Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

manderson wrote in post #15448769

Hosted photo: posted by manderson in
./showthread.php?p=154​48769&i=i149934323
forum: The Lounge

All too true!

My motto is: Never let the boss tell you how to do your job. If he knew how to do it, he wouldn't have hired you.

"Your kid is really spoiled!"

Nah! He's not spoiled. A lot of little kids smell like that.

A professor was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 people raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 people raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, an old man raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Sir, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The old man student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, sir , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

The old man replied, "Sorry, I'm a bit deaf from way back there I thought you said Goats."

No sex since 1955

No sex since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya love military time)

http://www.bromygod.co​m …unny-wtf-013-08152012.gif

Valentine's Day Cards for Men

http://www.menarebette​rthanwomen.com/vday.ht​ml

When I was 13, I hoped one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so, I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

A man calls down frantically to the front desk of a hotel telling the clerk that his
wife is trying to kill herself by jumping out the window.

The hotel clerk tells him that she can't help as it is a personal matter.

The man replies: 'The window is stuck and it won't open...it's a maintenance matter.'

A pal at work shared these this week:


Hey! Rick Astley called for you. He said you could borrow almost any of his Pixar DVDs you want.....but he's never gonna give you Up.

I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles; my next sh!t could spell disaster.

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong.
The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair?
Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

^^^ did that really happen or is that just how the joke is written??

CJCMarquez wrote in post #15487706
^^^ did that really happen or is that just how the joke is written??

I've heard that joke before. A little differently but still similar to the one I heard.

Dang. I can't help but feel a little disappointed.

Lady: Do you Drink?

Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: So, where's your damn Ferrari then?