Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

D. Vance wrote in post #16066791
I tried to tell my mom that one.... And, completely out of character, she goes,

"Only one, if you throw it hard enough!"

You must've caught her on a good day.

These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per
second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

x_tan wrote in post #15082603
The British government has scrapped the famous Harrier jet fleet, and on their farewell formation flypast over the houses of Parliament the RAF gave the government something to remember.
.

Very impressive way to tell "F..off"

Not a joke, but it's funny...

IMAGE LINK: http://s24.photobucket​.com …rank_zpsc25b862​d.jpg.html

john123 wrote in post #16073722

IMG NOTICE: [NOT AN IMAGE URL, NOT RENDERED INLINE]

What makes me think that Photoshop is involved here?

Roy Mathers wrote in post #16075073
What makes me think that Photoshop is involved here?

Perhaps the work of an RAF Harrier pilot....

20droger wrote in post #16075271
Perhaps the work of an RAF Harrier pilot....

Must be the work of 47 pilots

Now isn't that a nice picture to have copied and pasted all over the screen for our kids that are learning to read? Thought this forum had some rules? Wonder what happened to all the famous moderators?

I can't help but agree Dale.

wannabegood wrote in post #16075398
Now isn't that a nice picture to have copied and pasted all over the screen for our kids that are learning to read? Thought this forum had some rules? Wonder what happened to all the famous moderators?

It is still the parents who have to moderate what their children sees. Demanding that the world moderats itself instead is the wrong route.

pwm2 wrote in post #16075437
It is still the parents who have to moderate what their children sees. Demanding that the world moderats itself instead is the wrong route.

I took my 15 YO nephew to Chicago yesterday for the Blackhawks Parade and Rally... There were lots of little kids there as well. There was plenty of happy swearing and cussing going on down there too.

Did anyone catch Crawfords F-Bombs on TV yesterday? Check YouTube.

A DC airport ticket agent-must read! This is priceless funny stuff; but alas, is only a small indication of how much trouble our country is in. The ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble:

1. I had a Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from aCongressman's staffer , who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ....''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' his response -- click.

3. A Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A lawmaker, called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .
After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have that number on them.''

10. A Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. A Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A Congressman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS,
AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED..

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration.
Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.


--

It's much like manure in other regards, too.

And the biggest joke is that we voted for them.