Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

And...appropriate for the day...

Do they have Fourth of July in the U.K.?

Of course they do. It comes between the third and the fifth.

A burglar breaks into a very nice upper-class house. Prowling around in the dark, he comes across a 90-inch plasma TV and a top of the line home theater system. Suddenly, he hears a voice, "Jesus is watching you."

He swivels around and catches a parrot in his flashlight beam. He asks, "Did you say that?"

"Yes I did," said the parrot, "I'm just warning you."

"What's your name?" asks the burglar.

"Moses," says the parrot.

"Moses! What kind of idiots name a parrot 'Moses'?"

"The same kind that name a 150-pound Rottweiler 'Jesus.'"

The 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of his longevity.

"It's because I gave up sex," he said.

"When did you give up sex?" asked the reporter.

"Just about fifteen years ago."

"I see," said the reporter. "And why did you give up sex?"

"I had to. I like older women...and there weren't any more left!"

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

WorkingClassHero wrote in post #16104098
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

Well,

Another Roman walks into a bar and says "Gimme a martinus."

Bartender says, "You mean martini?"

"Hey! When I want more than one, I'll tell you!"

I like it Roger.

20droger wrote in post #16105169
Another Roman walks into a bar and says "Gimme a martinus."

Bartender says, "You mean martini?"

"Hey! When I want more than one, I'll tell you!"

I hope you paid Wayne and Schuster for that one, Rog!

Do you remember another little gem from "Rinse the Blood off my Toga"?....

"Come out Brutus, or we'll throw an onion on a spear!" (Tear gas for the uninitiated!)

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby
To put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes,wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe
Slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her
Hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to
Fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ...
'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... Well that was me..

Did you hear about the insomniac, dyslexic, impotent physicist? He spent nights awake worrying about hadrons.

Did you hear about the insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic? He spent nights awake debating with himself if there was a dog!

Those poor dyslexic insomniacs are in disparate streights.

^^ That's not dyslexia - it malapropism

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How it got in my pajamas I'll never know!

Ba-da-bing!!

snerd wrote in post #16130691
I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How it got in my pajamas I'll never know!

Ba-da-bing!!

You forgot to credit Groucho!