Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Great story Tiberius

I reckon there should be a dedicated thread to stuff like this! (Hence my posting https://photography-on-the.net …p?p=16427376#po​st16427376 )

Tiberius wrote in post #16427120
It is important to know the depth of the rivalry between UF and FSU. As adults, the Democrat staff were (mostly) past all of that, but it was important to me. I was not gonna screw this up and lose face as a Gator.

No it wasn't, all that was important to know was: on this assignment, you wanted to "shoot the lights out!" (so to speak! )

Anyone hear any good jokes lately?

That the 5D is a joke compared to todays standards?

From this thread:
https://photography-on-the.net …/showthread.php​?t=1341306

Fred calls into work one day and tells his boss I'm not coming in today I'm sick. My head hurts, my joints hurt and I'm running a fever"
His boss tells him I realy need you in today, when I'm sick I tell my wife to give me really hot sex.
After that I feel great and can go to work, you should try it.
two hours later Fred is at work and tells his boss you were right I feel great......oh and by the way you have a very nice house

A stranger walks into a bar and finds a bartender, one of the "regulars" sitting at the bar and a jar full of cash on the countertop. The stranger sits down, orders a drink and stares at the jar for awhile. Finally he asks the bartender "what's the deal with that jar of money?" The bartender informs him that it's part of an ongoing challenge; whomever can get the bartender to laugh can have all the cash in the jar. So the stranger sits and finishes his drink. He gets up to leave but first stops by the bartender and whispers quietly into his ear. Immediately, the bartender erupts in laughter and the stranger walks over, empties the jar and leaves.

A few weeks later the same stranger arrives back at the bar to find the same bartender, the same customer and another jar full of money. Immediately, the stranger asks "what's the challenge this time?" The bartender informs him that if someone can make him cry, they can have all the winnings. The stranger orders a drink and sits silently until he finishes it. Then he quietly calls the bartender to join him in the bathroom. A minute later the bartender emerges sobbing like a baby. The stranger follows him out, winks at the "regular" while emptying out the jar yet again. He then leaves.

So a few minutes go by and the regular decides he has to know how the stranger won the money. He asks, "what did he say to make you laugh?"
The bartender replied "He said his dick is bigger than mine."
"Ok" replied the customer "so then what did he do to make you cry?"
The bartender looked down at the floor and blushed "He showed me."

cdiver2 wrote in post #16448844
Fred calls into work one day and tells his boss I'm not coming in today I'm sick. My head hurts, my joints hurt and I'm running a fever"
His boss tells him I realy need you in today, when I'm sick I tell my wife to give me really hot sex.
After that I feel great and can go to work, you should try it.
two hours later Fred is at work and tells his boss you were right I feel great......oh and by the way you have a very nice house

Haha I like that one!

When asked to define the difference between prose and poetry, the Irish playwright and author Brendan Behan provided the following explanation:

"There was a young fellah named Rollocks
Who worked for Ferrier Pollocks.
As he walked on the Strand
With his girl by the hand
The tide came up to his knees.

Now that Sir is prose. If the tide had been in, it would have been poetry!"

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says," How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b**** tonight, Dave."

^

Only In San Francisco

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.


Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

"He told the guy the whole sad and terrible story about how he got there."

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently on the neck and said, "This ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake..."

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Thirty pounds,' she whispers.
Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty pounds.
So they hid in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It is the police.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.
'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neither did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota ,
I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the xxx out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table
expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, “You don’t
get any breakfast until you do your chores.”

A little upset, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to
milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a
chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal. “Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?” asks the little boy.
His mother replies, “I saw you kick the cow, so you don’t get any
milk, I saw you kick a chicken so you don’t get eggs, and I saw
you kick a pig so you don’t get any bacon!”

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy’s father comes down the
stairs, trips over the family cat then turns around and kicks it.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a big grin and asks, “Do
you want to tell him, or should I?”