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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
dodgyexposure
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Dec 11, 2013 16:42 |  #6391

John was in prison and received a letter from his father: "Dear John, It's that time of year when I need to dig the garden to plant tomatoes. I'm old and tired now, and I don't think that my back can stand the strain. I wish you were here to help me, like in the old days. Love, Dad."

John was touched, but replied: "Dear Dad, don't dig up the garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, John"

The very next day, John's father's house was inundated with Police, who brought in heavy machinery to search. They left after a couple of hours, having found nothing.

John wrote another letter to his father: "Dear Dad, sorry I couldn't be there to help you dig. I did the best I could. Love, John."


Cheers, Damien

  
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Skip ­ Souza
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Dec 16, 2013 18:57 |  #6392

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.



As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

I can't wait until next Christmas.


Bless the recently fallen and their family and friends.
I have a Cannon with me at all times. You can't take the shot if you don't have something with which to shoot. :rolleyes:
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Ron ­ Bailey
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Dec 16, 2013 23:49 |  #6393

^^^
Well written and funny. I could see the ol' geezer trying to bring Louise back to life!


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Ricardo222
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Dec 17, 2013 03:23 |  #6394

^^^Nice one Skip! Like Ron, my visuals from that story have been a real treat!:D:D


Growing old disgracefully!

  
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Tiberius
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Dec 17, 2013 04:13 |  #6395

That was awesome.


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neilwood32
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Dec 17, 2013 11:45 |  #6396

Brilliant Skip!


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Skip ­ Souza
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Dec 17, 2013 13:10 as a reply to  @ neilwood32's post |  #6397

Thanks Friends.

More seasonal cheer.

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says,

"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."


Bless the recently fallen and their family and friends.
I have a Cannon with me at all times. You can't take the shot if you don't have something with which to shoot. :rolleyes:
That which does not kill me ~~ Should Run.
5DMkII, 7D, 70-300L IS, 24-105L,
No more PayPal gift payment requests.
"PERSONAL MESSAGING REGARDING SELLING OR BUYING ITEMS WITH MEMBERS WHO HAVE NO POSTS IN FORUMS AND/OR WHO YOU DO NOT KNOW FROM FORUMS IS HEREBY DECLARED STRICTLY STUPID AND YOU WILL GET BURNED."

  
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Canajun
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Dec 17, 2013 19:39 as a reply to  @ Skip Souza's post |  #6398

^^^ :lol::lol::lol:
may I use it?


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Skip ­ Souza
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Dec 17, 2013 19:59 |  #6399

Of course. ;)


Bless the recently fallen and their family and friends.
I have a Cannon with me at all times. You can't take the shot if you don't have something with which to shoot. :rolleyes:
That which does not kill me ~~ Should Run.
5DMkII, 7D, 70-300L IS, 24-105L,
No more PayPal gift payment requests.
"PERSONAL MESSAGING REGARDING SELLING OR BUYING ITEMS WITH MEMBERS WHO HAVE NO POSTS IN FORUMS AND/OR WHO YOU DO NOT KNOW FROM FORUMS IS HEREBY DECLARED STRICTLY STUPID AND YOU WILL GET BURNED."

  
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Tiberius
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Dec 18, 2013 04:51 |  #6400

Skip Souza wrote in post #16534638 (external link)
Thanks Friends.

More seasonal cheer.

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says,

"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

bw!


My photography website!PHOCAL PHOTOGRAPHY (external link)

  
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BenLeaman
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Dec 18, 2013 08:54 as a reply to  @ Tiberius's post |  #6401

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"


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BearLeeAlive
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Dec 18, 2013 11:42 |  #6402

From Cousin Dan:


Greetings:

With the holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving after a "social session" with friends.

This past Saturday, we were out on a pre-Christmas evening with long-lost friends. I had a few cocktails, followed by a handful of glasses of vintage red wine. Despite the jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there I encountered a police road block on the road but, since it was a cab, they waved us past. We arrived home safely without incident. This was a both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it!

Happy Holidays,

Dan


-JIM-

  
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Skip ­ Souza
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Dec 18, 2013 12:26 as a reply to  @ BearLeeAlive's post |  #6403

:lol: :lol: :rolleyes: :lol: :lol:


Bless the recently fallen and their family and friends.
I have a Cannon with me at all times. You can't take the shot if you don't have something with which to shoot. :rolleyes:
That which does not kill me ~~ Should Run.
5DMkII, 7D, 70-300L IS, 24-105L,
No more PayPal gift payment requests.
"PERSONAL MESSAGING REGARDING SELLING OR BUYING ITEMS WITH MEMBERS WHO HAVE NO POSTS IN FORUMS AND/OR WHO YOU DO NOT KNOW FROM FORUMS IS HEREBY DECLARED STRICTLY STUPID AND YOU WILL GET BURNED."

  
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BakoFARMER
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Dec 20, 2013 21:12 |  #6404

How do you turn a Fox into a Cow?

You marry it!


i don't know what i shot it at!
i just click and Hope!

  
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CameraMan
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Dec 21, 2013 07:48 |  #6405

Ouch... Got some personal issues?


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Shampoo sounds like an unfortunate name for a hair product.
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)
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