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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
Mark ­ Vuleta
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May 20, 2014 02:21 |  #6616

1. The wife was counting all the 1 & 2 cent coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."


2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist knobs......... I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the ***** thing!


3. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.
It came as no surprise to learn his name was 'Bindair Dundat".


4. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan ?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".


5. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the **** in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


6. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


7. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.




  
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Voaky999
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May 20, 2014 12:17 |  #6617

Police arrested two men yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.


Don
"Knowledge is Good" Emil Faber

  
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Harm
I don't always post, but when I do, I drink Dos Equis....
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May 20, 2014 12:28 |  #6618

funny mark, funny!


SmugMug (external link)

  
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Radtech1
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May 21, 2014 08:09 |  #6619

EVERY EPISODE OF HOUSE EVER

CHASE: House, we need to cure this patient. He is very sick.
HOUSE: Did you try the medicine drug?
CHASE: I did try the medicine drug.
HOUSE: Only stupid people try the medicine drug. You are stupid.
PATIENT: I would rather not be sick.
HOUSE: You are stupid too. Did you take stupid drug?
FOREMAN: I gave patient stupid drug.
HOUSE: You are a black man.
FOREMAN: This vexes me.
PATIENT: I have blood from my nose that is dripping.
CAMERON: That's bad!
PATIENT: Also I was bitten by mice due to my poor hygiene.
CUTTY: You need hygiene drug. Also, I have not spoken in awhile.
HOUSE: No! Hygiene drug will kill Patient! He needs mouse bites to live!
CHASE: [Shocked]
CAMERON: [Shocked]
FOREMAN: [Vexed]
HOUSE: More mouse bites!
CUTTY: I forbid this.
HOUSE: Don't care.
CHASE: [Gets mice]
HOUSE: [Makes mouse bite serum]
PATIENT: I feel better. No more nose blood! Thank you doctor!
HOUSE: I am very smart.
WILSON: I, too, am in this episode.
FOREMAN: This vexes me.

~FIN~


.
.

Be humble, for you are made of the earth. Be noble, for you are made of the stars.

  
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20droger
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May 21, 2014 15:29 as a reply to  @ Radtech1's post |  #6620

A man gets stranded all alone on a deserted island for five years, then upon his rescue he brags that he was faithful to his wife all that time.

Big whoop! He was alone!

Now, if he had been stranded there with 20 members of the Young Women's Naturist League and could still truthfully make that claim, he would have something to brag about!

Virtue only counts when there's an option!




  
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20droger
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Jun 05, 2014 16:37 as a reply to  @ 20droger's post |  #6621

A man walked into a pub and spotted three rather hefty young ladies talking at a table. He noticed that they had rather thick brogues.

Curious, he walked over to them and said, "Hello, are you three lassies from Ireland?"

The heftiest shouted at him, "It's Wales, you stupid pig! Wales!"

He replied, "I'm so sorry! Are you three whales from Ireland?"

He woke up six hours later.




  
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20droger
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Jun 05, 2014 16:39 as a reply to  @ 20droger's post |  #6622

A lion ate an entire bull. He felt so good that he started roaring. A hunter heard him and shot him.

If you're full of bull, it's best to keep your mouth shut.




  
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20droger
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Jun 05, 2014 16:46 as a reply to  @ 20droger's post |  #6623

I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and a knee replacement. I've had cancer, have diabetes, have high blood pressure, and have poor circulation. I can't hear worth a damn and I'm half blind.

I take 40 different medications a day, which cause me to be dizzy, short of breath, and prone to blackouts.

Alzheimers has left me unable to remember why I went out and where I should go back to, and virtually all my friends are either forgotten or dead.

But thank God, I still have my driver's license.




  
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20droger
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Jun 05, 2014 16:49 as a reply to  @ 20droger's post |  #6624

My doctor said I was obese and I should exercise more. But swimming was out, because it's never more than a half-hour since I last ate.




  
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20droger
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Jun 05, 2014 16:52 as a reply to  @ 20droger's post |  #6625

In ancient Scotland, men cursed and beat the ground with sticks as a form of witchcraft, but since the 17th century it's been called "golf."




  
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Roy ­ Mathers
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Jun 05, 2014 16:53 |  #6626

You've got too much time on your hands Roger!




  
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20droger
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Jun 05, 2014 16:56 as a reply to  @ 20droger's post |  #6627

The U.S. and Russia have gotten together and agreed to point all their nuclear missiles into the ocean instead of at each other.

After all, we gotta do something to stop the damned Carnival Cruise ships.




  
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20droger
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Jun 05, 2014 16:57 as a reply to  @ 20droger's post |  #6628

The internet went down at work today.

Out of sheer boredom I got about seven months work done.




  
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20droger
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Jun 05, 2014 16:58 as a reply to  @ 20droger's post |  #6629

I'm on the Valium diet. Four pills first thing in the morning and the food just keeps falling out of my mouth all day.




  
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20droger
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Jun 05, 2014 16:59 as a reply to  @ 20droger's post |  #6630

Sometimes I pretend to be normal.

But that gets boring, so I go back to being just myself.




  
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)
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