Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Ever wonder why the captain goes down with the ship?

Well, when I was in the Army, I lost my rifle and they charged me $200....

Here's a few that are REALLY bad...

The USA played Ethiopia in the World Cup. You know the final score? USA: 8, Ethiopia: didn't.

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

So a seal walks into a bar and orders a Canadian club on the rocks...

Tiberius wrote in post #17012457
Here's a few that are REALLY bad...

A liar you are not.

Women of a certain era will fully appreciate this . . . true story.

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.

She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman’s heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.

Pull yourself together, she chided herself! You’re a happily married woman with three children. You’re forty-five years old, not a teenager!

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman’s direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where’s my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?

Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk’s hand or in a holder on the counter or something! No ice cream cone was in sight.

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, “You put it in your purse.”

That reminds me of the lady in the elevator story. She gets on the elevator with these two large black men and one of them did something that made her jump and drop her bucket of quarters. They helped her pick them up and then the next day there were 2 dozen roses sent to her room with a note that said "Thanks for the laugh. Yours Truly, Michael Jordan and Eddie Murphy".

CameraMan wrote in post #17015494
That reminds me of the lady in the elevator story. She gets on the elevator with these two large black men and one of them did something that made her jump and drop her bucket of quarters. They helped her pick them up and then the next day there were 2 dozen roses sent to her room with a note that said "Thanks for the laugh. Yours Truly, Michael Jordan and Eddie Murphy".

I think you need to work on your joke telling technique. The full joke is here.

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

"I'd take half and leave you forever!"

"Good. I won $20. Here's $10. Stay in touch."

^cheap at half the price eh?

Ever notice that a woman wears white, expressing joy, at a wedding and black, expressing sadness, at a funeral.

A man, however, wears black on both occasions.

Actually, the white at a wedding is supposed to represent virginity/purity - so it obviously wouldn't apply to a man.

Ooh, Roy, how sexist!

Roy Mathers wrote in post #17018294
Actually, the white at a wedding is supposed to represent virginity/purity - so it obviously wouldn't apply to a man.

Actually, not true.

The white wedding dress for common folk is relatively new and definitely a twentieth-century custom. In fact, dear old Emily Post, in the 1920s, recommended pastel colors for spring/summer brides and darker colors for fall/winter brides, with no mention of white.

The first white wedding dress was worn by a princess of France for the sole purpose of showing that she was rich enough to have a custom-made dress that she could only wear once. (In those days, before detergents, white turned into a dingy gray after only one wash.) Now, if it was good enough for the princess, it was good enough for the ladies of the royal court, then good enough for the nobility, then good enough for the merely wealthy, and so on down the line.

Thank goodness none of our modern brides are so fiscally foolish. (And the sound you hear is hundreds of thousands of bride's fathers groaning at that one.)

In the old days, brides among the common folk traditionally wore a new dress of dark red. Dark red was a noble color that faded to a not-unpleasant brown, thus making the dress practical.

And as for the virginity/purity thing, that is purely a retrofit definition. In fact, for thousands of years the clergy have had a saying about bridal purity: The first child can come any time; the rest take nine months.

And besides, a man can be as virginal and pure as a woman. They just don't brag about it.

Wedding folklore and myths I know, having been in the business for a large portion of my adult life. If you're nice to me, I might tell you why brides are like horses.

One of the cardinal rules of money management...

Never trust an accountant who drives a better car than you do, or a financial adviser who doesn't.

20droger wrote in post #17018612
If you're nice to me, I might tell you why brides are like horses.

Go on, Roger, you know you want to . . .

Women wear white on their wedding day because men know that all good appliances come in white.