Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Novopay will magically be functional, now that the government has decided to take over control of the system!

(Novopay is an Australian payroll software system, plagued by problems, used to pay the NZ Education providers.)

Strange joke. Kiwis don't know whether to laugh or cry. Except for Kiwi teachers, they clearly know what to do.

joeseph wrote in post #17067525
Novopay will magically be functional, now that the government has decided to take over control of the system!

(Novopay is an Australian payroll software system, plagued by problems, used to pay the NZ Education providers.)

Oh goddie that may fix all my missing sick leave bug they know about but don't know how to fix

20droger ....... its a 110million dollar kiwi joke

weka2000 wrote in post #17069335
Oh goddie that may fix all my missing sick leave bug they know about but don't know how to fix

20droger ....... its a 110million dollar kiwi joke

actually it's Australian...

An man goes to his doctor and the doctor takes X-rays.

Doctor: I don't like the look of these X-rays.
Man: What can we do?
Doctor: Don't worry. We can fix 'em in PhotoShop!

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Don't worry about the demise of the Hostess company. All their products will continue:

The Twinkies will be hired by the State Department;
The Ho-Hos will be hired by the Secret Service;
The Cupcakes will be hired by the Department of Defense; and
The Ding Dongs will go to congress.

When a man claims he has good health, he's just dying at a very slow rate.

In the '60s, the world was normal and people took acid to make it seem weird.

Now, the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.

A man walked into the Chamber of Commerce and asked if there was a criminal lawyer in town.

"Yes, but we can't prove it yet."

I got out of bed, stood up, moved my arms, walked, and sat down. They all made the same snapping, popping sounds.

I'm not old, just crispy.

20droger wrote in post #17070734
I got out of bed, stood up, moved my arms, walked, and sat down. They all made the same snapping, popping sounds.

I'm not old, just crispy.

Reminds me of another one.

When I was a kid, we'd spend our time popping pills and smoking joints. Now that I'm old,er, all I'm doing is popping joints...

Tiberius wrote in post #17071715
Reminds me of another one.

When I was a kid, we'd spend our time popping pills and smoking joints. Now that I'm old,er, all I'm doing is popping joints...

And that reminds me of an observation. When women got together, we used to complain that our hips were too big. Now, instead, we complain that our hips need to be replaced.

*warning, dirty joke*

A man walks out of the airport in Scotland after a particularly grueling flight. He checks into the hotel, drops his bags off, and decides to go about finding a pub for a pint or four.

He walks around for a little bit until he finds a nice looking, old-time pub. When he walks in, there's just one guy sitting at the bar with a glass of whiskey in his hand.

The old man pours him a pint and asks him his name.

"I'm Larry," the first man says.

"Well Larry, I'm Douglas."

After a few drinks and good conversation, Douglas says, "Larry, I want to tell you something. I built this pub from the ground up, beam-by-beam, stone-by-stone. I poured myself into building this pub, and since then I've helped build two other pubs around town but nobody ever calls me 'Douglas the Pub Builder.' "

Larry understands his disappointment, but doesn't know what to say to that other than a mumbled, "Hmm, that's a shame."

"And Larry, I painted that sign out front by hand. I poured myself into it, learning the brush strokes, spending days on it just to make sure it's perfect, and since then I've painted seven or eight signs around town, but nobody ever calls me 'Douglas the Sign Painter,' do they?"

Larry shakes his head, unsure of what to say.

Then Douglas says, "but you f*** one goat..."

The parable of the sparrow:

There was once an impetuous young sparrow who was certain that he could easily survive the cold northern winter. Steadfast in this belief he stubbornly remained behind when his friends and family left to fly south.

As the bitter heart of winter approached, food became scarce and the weather chilled. The sparrow realized the error of his ways and hastily departed to join his companions.

Shortly after beginning his journey he became overcome by the cold and was forced to land, freezing, in a grassy field.

The poor sparrow, now convinced that he was to die, barely concerned himself with the large bull that approached him. That is until the bull defecated directly on top of him. He reacted by madly chirping curses at the offending bovine until, quite suddenly, he realized that the warmth from the steaming pile surrounding him was thawing him out. The only downside was that he was now firmly stuck in the pile.

The little sparrow resumed his chirping, only now for the joy of continued survival. He also held out hope that someone would hear and come to help him out of his fix.

Shortly, as is usually the case in these stories, a fox came trotting across the field, directly at the Sparrow. The fox, smiling slyly, quickly plucked the hapless bird from his predicament, brushed him clean and then, as quickly, ate him.

Now, the morals of this story are threefold:
1. Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who pulls you from the crap is your friend.
3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of crap it’s best to just keep your damn mouth shut!