Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Bill: "Hey, John. You and your wife seem to get along very well."
John: "Yup. We do."
Bill "What's your secret."
John: "I give her pleasure every night."
Bill: "Every night?"
John: "Yup. I wash the dishes."

I'm sure I washed the dished on Wednesday (it might have been Tuesday though...)

As an experiment I filled Connect 4 pieces with Semtex... I'm now being investigated by the counter terrorism unit!

What do elves learn in school?

The Elf-a-bet.

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

Mistletoe.

Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts,

"Get the f*ck off the windshield!"

Agnes and Winnie were sat in the snug of their local pub. Agnes turned to Winnie and said, “Ernie sent me two bunches of flowers this morning, you know what that means don’t you, I’ll have to spend the next two weeks lying on my back with my legs open.”
Winnie looked at her friend and said, “Agnes, don’t you have a vase!”

(Seasonal joke)

Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly....

Because he knows where all of the Naughty girls live

Along the same theme:

A man and his wife were spending the Christmas season in a rural area in Russia and they decided to take a sleigh ride. Their driver was named Rudolph and because he had a bushy red beard his nickname was Rudolph the Red.

So off they went sleighing through the countryside on a overcast and blustery day. As they topped a hill in a clearing the driver looked up at the low-hanging clouds and said: "Oh my, it looks like rain. We'd better head for home." The man in the back with his wife was enjoying the ride and didn't want to go home so he relied: "No, it just looks like Snow, drive on." But the driver was adamant: "No, it looks like rain."

The argument between the man and the driver went back and forth for several minutes until the wife finally said to her husband: "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear".

Once there was a king who had a beautiful daughter.
One day the king announced, "I have a proposition to every man here. I will give anything asked of me up to one half of my kingdom or my daughter’s hand in marriage, to the man who can swim across this river full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the river. The guy in the river was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on.
Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The king was astonished and said, "That was incredible and brave! I will keep my end of the bargain, tell me what you want me to give you. The man catches his breath, then says, "Give me the man who pushed me!"

What do you call a blond with half a brain?

Gifted.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa?

Crisp Kringle.

You momma's so fat that when she jumped for joy...
she got stuck!

Not that this thread needs another blonde joke, but:

Three girls walk into a bar; a brunette a red head and a green haired girl. The bar tender asks the brunette how she keeps her hair so brown.

The brunette combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural it's natural.

Then the bar tender asks the red head how she keeps her hair so red. She combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural, it's natural.

Then he asks the green haired girl how she keeps her hair so green. She sneezes into her hands, combs her hands through her hair and says, "Its natural, its natural."

I don't hang out in this thread a lot, but just saw a good one on FB. Pardon if it's already been posted.

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full

Went in for my check-up today and all went well
until he had me strip and check my prostrate.
Do you think I need to find a new dentist?