Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

A man playing golf was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot, approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: "We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies' tee box!"

To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!"

^^^Now THAT is very funny...because it would probably fit my golfing skills!

Hopefully that fellow followed the "Dink Out" rule.

^^^^^ That would be really bad on the 1st Tee

Not that not clearing the Ladie's Tee is all that great either.

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Parts of Georgia, Missouri , West Virginia ,

and All of Washington DC ...

Bad Harm...bad, bad Harm...go directly to jail.

Uhhh - you can count with your thumb ??

When I first heard this joke many years ago, the man went to a doctor not a veterinarian.

Fresh from her shower, my wife stands in front of the mirror complaining to me that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, I uncharacteristically come up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," I replied.

She stopped.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat I said: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

Luckily, I am still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, I may even walk again although I will probably continue to take my meals through a straw.

I've almost wet myself CameraMan

How do oceans say hello to each other?

They wave.

This may have been posted before. If so, consider it an oldie but goodie. The older I get, the more this is ringing true for me -

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it
needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under
the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the
garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check
left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my
desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so
that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep
it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been
searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the
flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't
remember who I've sent it to.

Laugh away now -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

Recently, Ringling Brothers announced they are phasing out elephants despite P. T. Barnum making them such an iconic part of their popular circus act over the past 133 years. I joked that there were now going to be a lot of unemployed elephants out there, to which my admin replied, "It's ok, they were only working for peanuts."

[true story]