Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgo​gerychwyrndrobwyllllan​tysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”

Vincent Price is taller than Katie Price and heavier than Alan Price.
I found this out on a price comparison website.

What do you call a sarky cowboy from Barnsley?
Tex Piss

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs. It was a ridiculously long name.

A Kiwi and an Aussie go to a pastry shop.

The Kiwi whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the baker doesn’t notice.
The Kiwi says to the Aussie: "You’ll never beat that!"
The Aussie says to the Kiwi: "Watch and learn!"
He says to the baker: "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the biscuit which the Aussie promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Aussie eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick?"

The Aussie says: "Look in the Kiwi's pocket".

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.

Ah synonym rolls ... just like grammar used to make.

Why is it old people say “there’s no place like home,” yet when you put them in one ...


A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, “Do you want a blow job?”
He said, “Will it affect me dole money?”


The Flat Earth Society has so many members now; they are all around the globe.


What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but ABU DHABI DOOOOOO.

I was worried before the operation so I asked my doctor, "Afterwards, will I be able to play the piano?"
He says, "Oh, sure thing. Certainly."
I was so happy, "Fantastic! I've always wanted to!"

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery.

It is 18+
Two friends gossiping.
Friend 1: What do you think about life?
Friend 2: My dick.
Friend 1: Oh yeah. You are right. It is small.

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid so she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: “Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly climbed into the maid's bed and switched the lights off.

When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her. When he finished and was still panting, the wife switched on the light and said "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?"

"No madam", said the gardener.

Two guys from Barnsley in the pub, one has a new dog.

Ah see tha's got a new mutt

Aye paid a fiver for it

Tha were robbed

Nay I'll show thee

so they go off down to the local reservoir

Dog owner throws stick into water

Dog runs over the water and collects stick and returns to owner without getting wet

Ah towd thee tha was robbed ,bugger can't swim

john crossley wrote in post #18362120

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I did see that. Quite a chuckle. Following this one and the Eng vs SA at the same time.