Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Janice Atkinson a former UKIP politician has demanded the death penalty be introduced – for suicide bombers.

(I don’t think she has thought that through properly)

Found this at: http://www.pprune.org …022-friday-jokes-514.html

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

They had a wonderful time. He stays for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed.

Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . ."You just happened to catch my eye.

What do you call a dinosaur that reads Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights?

A Bronte-Saurus.

What kind of cheese is not your cheese?

-Nacho Cheese

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought “either I am still dreaming or this is my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said “Thanks” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt around her neck.

Happy, but puzzled, I asked “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken”

Q: What's the difference between a certain President (who will not and should not be named here) and yogurt?

A: Yogurt shows evidence of culture.

Just thought you might like a wee bit of Irish humour...enjoy!
 
 
Irish Jokes
An Irishman's first drink with his son
 
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.  Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
 
I got him a Guinness.  He didn't like it, so I drank it.
 
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  He didn't.  I drank it.
 
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!  
 
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.  He wouldn't even smell it. 
 
What could I do but drink it!
 
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so sh*t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
 
Irish Confession
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church. 
 
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
 
When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."
 
Some Light Dublin Traffic Humour
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculada and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." 
Sister Mary Immaculada rolls down her window and shouts, "P*ss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off."  She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
 
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.  She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
 
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."
 
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
 
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
 
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.  Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
 
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."
 
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men....are men.
 
Irish Fun
Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bas**rds, because I wasn't even home yesterday."
_______________ __
Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
_______________ __

Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.      
Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
_______________ __

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope: "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
_______________ __

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
_______________ __

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
_______________ __
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
_______________ __

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself", Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck", says the Guard.
"I know", says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
_______________ __

An answer I can understand.....
An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
_______________ __

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
_______________ __

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
_______________ __

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
_______________ __

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
_______________ __

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
_______________ __

My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

Ian Mackie wrote in post #18367590
Found this at: http://www.pprune.org …022-friday-jokes-514.html

Hosted photo: posted by GibJock in
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forum: The Lounge

Sorry, this is unbelievable for me. Trump would only ride in a gold plated child car

Definition of a co-pilot

Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it.

She turned to the First Officer and asked, "Well young man, what is your job?"
He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my f**king advice, he'll ask me."

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you glad to see me?"

"Both, now get in the van!"

My favorite joke is too gory for this forum.

Why bother to mention it then?