Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Someone said a big New Years Eve bash was planned in NYC but they dropped the ball last night.

A bit morbid....actual forum conversation

A Kentucky woman boasted to a Texan that there was so much gold in Fort Knox that you could build a wall of solid gold 10 feet high all around Texas.
The Texan answered, "Well you just go ahead and build it, little lady, and if Ah like it, why Ah'll buy it."

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. "Oh, just a beer."

The bartender asks, "What's wrong, why do you look so down today?"

The man says, "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month."

The bartender says, "So what's wrong with that?"

The man says, "The month is up tonight."

A little late but...

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a g*d damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my g*d damn bed. I want a g*d damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the g*d damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a g*d damn new bike and I want it put under a g*d damn tarp in the g*d damn shed.”

Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.”

His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.”

Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan.

On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath.

Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door.

Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop.

Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?”

Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a g*d damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfcker!”

My buddy blames my stupid gravel for making him trip but I think it was his own dumb asphalt.

Did the guy who came up with the phrase "One Hit Wonder" come up with any other phrases?

PROOF OF PURCHASE


A little lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, " Sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat. The lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. The lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food.

One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. The cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap!"

The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping centre:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

philodelphi wrote in post #18791392
After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping centre:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

I don't get it. Doesn't everyone do those things?

I got kicked off a joke site because of my horrible Arnold Swarzenegger impressions. Don't worry about me, though... I'll return.

OMGOSH...that is so dang funny...laughed at ever one! Good job!!

A woman at work lost her mood ring. I asked her how she felt about it and she said she wasn't sure.

I just invented Wildebeest Pâté.

Start spreading the Gnus!

Spencerphoto wrote in post #18791942
I just invented Wildebeest Pâté.

Start spreading the Gnus!

Sounds like a Frank Sinatra song.... "Start spreading the gnus..."