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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
Spencerphoto
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Post edited 1 month ago by Spencerphoto. (2 edits in all)
     
Jul 11, 2019 20:20 |  #8566

Jonzjob wrote in post #18892115 (external link)
All sounds a bit Alien to me? I do remember that film, I think? Someone in it had bad indigestion didn't he, or something that didn't agree with him :twisted:

I made the mistake of reading the 'book of the film' before watching the movie, which meant that, when everybody else leapt out of their seats, I was the only one looking 'meh'.

However, I recall having to stifle a laugh when that sock puppet/mini muppet-monster scuttled across the table ... :-D


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Jonzjob
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Post edited 1 month ago by Jonzjob.
     
Jul 14, 2019 02:53 |  #8567

OK, now for something a little different. Cricket. A wonderful game that's totally miss-understood by so much of the world and loved by a huge number. So, for the uninitiated here is a simplified version of the rules of the game. Some of the better and higher games last for 5 days.

There are 2 teams of 11 men, or women these daze, they play on a roughly oval field with a 22 yard strip of very short cut grass down the middle.

The game. One of the teams is in whilst the other team is out and the idea of the game is that the team that is out has to get the team that is in out.

When the team that is in is all out they change and the team that was in is now out and the team that was out is now in. Once again the team that was in and now out has to get the team that was out and is now in out. When that is done and the team that was in is all out this is called an innings.

Then they swop over again so that the team that was in first is in again and that is called the second innings. And the in and out has to be achived again so that both teams have been in and out, or out and in, the second time.

The winner of the game is decided by the number of runs scored by the team that is in before they are all out and the team with the highest number of runs is the winner.

Easy init 8-)8-) and now you will be able to watch the game with renewed interest. :rolleyes:


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Spencerphoto
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Jul 14, 2019 03:32 |  #8568

Jonzjob wrote in post #18893342 (external link)
OK, now for something a little different. Cricket.

Good grief. How many cobwebs did you have to clean off that thing?

Good though, isn't it?


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NixEre
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Jul 14, 2019 03:45 as a reply to  @ Jonzjob's post |  #8569

... Quite right. And the best bit is that you can sit there for five days and still end up watching a draw ....


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avondale87
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Jul 14, 2019 04:43 |  #8570

And you can bowl a maiden with not even one in sight, nor would it necessarily win you a match  :p



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NixEre
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Post edited 1 month ago by NixEre.
     
Jul 14, 2019 07:24 |  #8571

And England’s best hope is usually called “rain” ... ߘ


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Jonzjob
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Jul 14, 2019 17:05 |  #8572

NixEre wrote in post #18893400 (external link)
And England’s best hope is usually called “rain” ... ߘ

NixEre, would you like any salt or pepper on the word you may like to eat :twisted:

You are talking about the World Champions here mate 8-)


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Jul 14, 2019 20:34 |  #8573

Jonzjob wrote in post #18893656 (external link)
NixEre, would you like any salt or pepper on the word you may like to eat :twisted:

You are talking about the World Champions here mate 8-)

Yes, they’re the raining world champions.

:-P


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Jonzjob
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Jul 15, 2019 03:28 |  #8574

For me it's been quite a good weekend with a really good British F1 Grands Prix, a VERY close Wimbledon mens final and us thrashing the Kiwis by errrr the same number of runs in the match followed by the same number of runs in the extra overs, but we did get more boundaries 8-)

Just how close can you get!


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hqqns
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Post edited 1 month ago by hqqns.
     
Jul 15, 2019 03:33 |  #8575

I agree, cricket is a joke :P


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Jonzjob
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Jul 15, 2019 06:00 |  #8576

hqqns wrote in post #18893822 (external link)
I agree, cricket is a joke :P

Hqqns, pray tell? Who are you agreeing with pretty please -?-?

But then, if you happen to be an Aussie at the mo. then ? :oops::oops:


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pbigelow
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Jul 15, 2019 11:04 |  #8577

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and
sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down
to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the
four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. ~ Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that
you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a
wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that
because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go
meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for
Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. ~ Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."




  
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pbigelow
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Jul 16, 2019 19:15 |  #8578

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the
first-class section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue,
gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen
seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the
woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered
quite violently once more.

Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still
curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more
than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the
woman, and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three
times, wiped you nose, then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very
rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking
anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."




  
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Jonzjob
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Jul 17, 2019 05:43 |  #8579

That's a goodie Pb. That's a superb remedy and not one to be sneezed at me-thinks ;-)a;-)a


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
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Pippan
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Post edited 1 month ago by Pippan. (2 edits in all)
     
Jul 20, 2019 03:17 |  #8580

Fifty years ago, when Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon's surface, as well as the famous line about "That's one small step ...", he quietly uttered a sentence that's rarely reported: "Good luck Mr Gorsky." Many people later asked him who Mr Gorsky was, but he'd never say. Was he another astronaut, a rival soviet cosmonaut, who? Many years later, during a speech in Florida, he spilt the beans. Mr Gorsky had died, he said, and he now felt free to explain that sentence.

Many years earlier, when he was a young boy playing baseball in his parent's backyard, his brother hit a ball that landed under a window of the house next door, where the Gorskys lived. When the young Neil went to retrieve it, he overheard the Gorskys arguing. Mrs Gorsky screamed: "Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the boy next door walks on the moon!"


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