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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
Jonzjob
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Oct 03, 2019 04:37 |  #8746

icopus wrote in post #18937366 (external link)
My town has their traffic lights set to a Christmas theme all year long and you're sure to stop at each one to enjoy it:
Alternating red, green, red, green...

They're obviously the cheap Woolworths version.

Ours are set to go red, amber, green, red/amber, red, amber green, and so on. Much more sofiskated init 'ere in England 8-)8-)


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
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John.

  
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Spencerphoto
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Oct 03, 2019 05:13 |  #8747

Red = Stop
Green = Go
Amber = Go Very Fast.


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pbigelow
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Oct 03, 2019 06:17 |  #8748

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long
moment...............

Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'




  
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kiwichris
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Oct 03, 2019 06:56 |  #8749

pbigelow wrote in post #18937576 (external link)
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long
moment...............

Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

:-P:-D:lol::-P:-D


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CyberDyneSystems
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Oct 04, 2019 11:48 |  #8750

Spencerphoto wrote in post #18937553 (external link)
Amber = "Jam ON IT"

//special thanks to newleus...


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CyberDyneSystems
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Oct 04, 2019 11:50 |  #8751

pbigelow wrote in post #18937576 (external link)
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long
moment...............

Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

Sad to admit this took me a second, but ended up LOL!


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Hoof ­ Arted
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Oct 04, 2019 19:26 |  #8752

I'd like to have a little newborn baby in the house one day.

Two days, max.




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Post edited 1 month ago by Hoof Arted.
     
Oct 04, 2019 19:26 |  #8753

Had a hearing test done and am told I'm 45% deaf in each ear. That was hard for me to hear.


(True story.)




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Oct 04, 2019 19:27 |  #8754

I came home from work and found a new sofa in the living room.

"Don't you think you should have talked to me before you bought that?" I asked my wife.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I'm the head of the house, that's why."

"Oh, darling," she replied. "I'm so relieved! I thought you would be mad at me but instead here you are making jokes!"




  
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kiwichris
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Oct 04, 2019 19:27 |  #8755

Hoof Arted wrote in post #18938601 (external link)
Had a hearing test done and am told I'm 45% deaf in each ear. That was hard for me to hear.


(True story.)

True story? I am profoundly deaf, in both ears!


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icopus
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Oct 04, 2019 21:38 |  #8756

Hearing aids suck. True story.

Take care of your hearing.


It's my life and I'll get pissed if I want to.
"Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar." - E.R. Murrow

  
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Spencerphoto
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Oct 04, 2019 23:27 |  #8757

icopus wrote in post #18938660 (external link)
Hearing aids suck. True story.

Take care of your hearing.

Pardon?


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kiwichris
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Oct 05, 2019 01:40 |  #8758

Spencerphoto wrote in post #18938709 (external link)
Pardon?

You are excused. :)


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pbigelow
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Oct 05, 2019 08:35 |  #8759

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg
so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and
he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden
leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company
another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and
a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour
the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden
leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.




  
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kiwichris
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Oct 05, 2019 08:49 as a reply to  @ pbigelow's post |  #8760

^^^

Yeah, I laughed at that! :D


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