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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
pbigelow
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Oct 09, 2019 15:18 |  #8761

it takes me 5 minutes to walk from my house to the bar

it takes me 25 minutes to walk from the bar to my house

the difference is staggering




  
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icopus
"the creep following them around taking pictures"
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Oct 09, 2019 18:33 |  #8762

Betty and Martin were about to get married. Just before the wedding, they were tragically killed in a car crash. When they arrived at the gates of heaven they explained to St. Peter that they were about to be married on earth, and that now they would very much like to be married in heaven.

St. Peter said, "Betty and Martin you are a deserving couple, wait here in the reception room." He was gone for several months then at last, St Peter returned.

Martin said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married."
Betty chipped in, "We were wondering, if the marriage did not work, could you arrange for a divorce?"

St. Peter was exasperated and then said, "Look! It took me 6 days to find a priest up here in heaven. How long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer up here?"


It's my life and I'll get pissed if I want to.
"Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar." - E.R. Murrow

  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Oct 10, 2019 17:13 |  #8763

As my 5 year-old grandson and I carved a pumpkin yesterday I swear I heard him whisper "That's what happens to snitches."




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Oct 10, 2019 17:14 |  #8764

When two masked men came into the store my wife said "Don't you dare try to be a hero."

"But they got to pick Batman and Spiderman costumes," I whined as she led me over to the stupid pirate section.




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Oct 10, 2019 17:20 |  #8765

I think my doctor is having hallucinations. When I went in for a hearing exam she closed the door because of the "terrible giraffe" in the hallway.




  
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kiwichris
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Post edited over 1 year ago by kiwichris.
     
Oct 10, 2019 17:25 |  #8766

Three deaf guys are going to Wembley by train for the first time. The train stops,
"Is this Wembley?" asks one.
"No it's Thursday" answers the second.
"So am I, lets go get a drink" says the third.

Not a true story but it is a very real representation of what hearing loss is like. Also funny, even to us deaf fellas :)


Panasonic Lumix G9 and lenses from 7mm wide to 300mm long.
http://www.flickr.com/​photos/chriswaynzpics/ (external link)

  
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Jonzjob
in the land of Donald Duck
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Oct 11, 2019 02:32 |  #8767

It's hard to say what my wife does for a living?

She sells sea shells on the sea shore.


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
https://johnamandiers.​wixsite.com/johns-w-o-w-1 (external link)
John.

  
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avondale87
thanks for whoever started this
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Oct 11, 2019 02:43 as a reply to  @ Jonzjob's post |  #8768

You're lucky to see any shells on the beach these days.
Curious who makes the shells for her  :p



Richard

  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Oct 13, 2019 14:47 |  #8769

I'm thinking about wearing a Santa outfit as my Halloween costume just to screw with people who complain about Christmas sales starting too soon.




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Oct 13, 2019 14:52 |  #8770

I asked my buddy what his opinion was about Brexit.

"It's total bullshit," he said. "Absolute crap!"

"It probably is," I responded, "but let's hear it anyways."




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Oct 13, 2019 14:53 |  #8771

Todays Tip: If you're being chased by a police dog try not to go through a little tunnel, run across a see saw and then jump through a hoop. They're trained for that.




  
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icopus
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Oct 13, 2019 16:28 |  #8772

Hoof Arted wrote in post #18943718 (external link)
I'm thinking about wearing a Santa outfit as my Halloween costume just to screw with people who complain about Christmas sales starting too soon.

Actually, what a crazy idea to wear a Santa outfit with the Joker's face. What a startle when you quickly turn around after they open the door! Bwaaahahaha.
Probably too alarming for a 60 year old to do, but oh to be <16 years old again!


It's my life and I'll get pissed if I want to.
"Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar." - E.R. Murrow

  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Oct 18, 2019 16:08 |  #8773

A man is in the local hospital and knows his time on earth is short, so he requests his family be called to his bedside. After everyone is present the man says:

"To my dear wife Susan, I want you to take all of the businesses in the town square.

"To my son Robert, I want you to take the houses south of town.

"To my son Mikey, I want to you take the houses around the Elementary school.

"To my dear daughter Elise, I want you to take all the houses out around the lake."

He then lowers his head and closes his eyes. The attending nurse is flabbergasted and quietly says to the mans wife "Your husband lives as if he has practically nothing, but he was obviously a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."

His wife looks surprised and says "Property? There is no property. He had a newspaper route."




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Oct 18, 2019 16:08 |  #8774

The best things in life start with the letter "S"
Sunshine
Sleep
Spizza
Sbeer
Sdonuts
Sice Cream
Stacos




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Oct 18, 2019 16:09 |  #8775

Deare$t Dad:
Am doing well in $chool. I'm making lot$ of friend$ and am $tudying very hard. I have lot$ of $tuff and can't think of a $ingle thing I need, $o plea$e ju$t $end me a $hort note becau$e I $imply want to hear from you.
$ent with all my love,
Your $tudious $on


Dear Son:
Even with the ecoNOmy being as bad as it has been, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you canNOt study hard eNOugh. Still, NOthing pleased me more that to NOtice how inNOvative you are. I'm very hoNOred to say you could be GoverNOr some day.

Much love,
Your piaNO playing Dad




  
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