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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
Inse
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Nov 09, 2019 17:24 |  #8806

A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it
in Texas Was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance Agency, to see how much it would cost to insure
the leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here In North Carolina to insure, because it cost him
$2000.00 in Texas!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any
wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.


RAY
So far, this is the oldest I've ever been :cool:
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Inse
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Nov 09, 2019 17:28 |  #8807

LAST RIDE ON MY HARLEY

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I am a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."


Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."


RAY
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avondale87
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Nov 09, 2019 17:49 as a reply to  @ post 18957708 |  #8808

Well that takes the cake
Brilliant bw!



Richard

  
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Jonzjob
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Nov 11, 2019 16:57 |  #8809

Well, that is the totally obvious punch line and anyone with a brain cell should have seen that coming.

I wonder why I didn't :oops:

That's a goodie!


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
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Inse
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Nov 11, 2019 18:23 |  #8810

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,
That night we had the most amazing sex ever...
Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before?


RAY
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Inse
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Nov 11, 2019 18:33 |  #8811

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"


My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.


Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.


Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."


RAY
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Inse
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Nov 11, 2019 18:36 |  #8812

My girlfriend's dream has always been to get married in a castle. So when I proposed I made that dream come true.

Although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on the miserable face as we were bouncing around inside it!!


RAY
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Inse
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Nov 11, 2019 19:21 |  #8813

I'VE BEEN BANNED IN TESCO'S

Yesterday I was in my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of 'My Dog' dog food. for my loyal pet ,and was in the checkout queue, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant ? So, since i'm retired and have little to do ,on impulse I told her that ,no I didn't have a dog ,I was starting the dog diet again.I added that I probable shouldn't because I ended up in hospital last time , but i'd lost 10 kilo's before I woke up in ICU with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets with 'My Dog' nuggets and simple eat one or two every time you felt hungry . The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again ( I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue behind was now enthralled with my story)
Horrified ,she asked me if I ended up in ICU because the dog food poisoned me .I told her no, I had stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setters ar*e and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard . I'm now banned from Tesco's


RAY
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Inse
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Nov 11, 2019 19:42 |  #8814

Back deep in the wooded hollers of a Missouri cabin, Jeb's wife was going into labor. Jeb had sent for the country Doctor to perform the delivery and the Doctor pulled his carriage up to the cabin just in time.

Taking his place, the Doctor calmly coached young Melony as she proceeded to deliver.

"Okay", the Doctor exclaimed, "the baby's crowning. Jeb, get that lantern over here so's I can see.

Jeb inched closer, extending the lantern.

After a bit of Melony's groaning and crying the baby started emerging.

"Why you got a baby boy", the country Doc announced.

Moments later, another head started crowning. "Wait! There's another one" the country Doctor exclaimed!

"Jeb, get that lantern closer so's I can see."

A few minutes later, the Doc announced, "Well, I'll be - here's a little girl now", as he cut the umbilical.

"Jeb! Bring that light closer now"

Jeb, deeply concerned about what all was going on looked around, then asked the Doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"


RAY
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WorkingClassHero
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Nov 15, 2019 01:18 |  #8815

One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.
"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".
"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.
The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but someone stabbed your husband to death, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbour."
The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?"
He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?"
Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!"
As he walked away the officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow."


ALAN
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CyberDyneSystems
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Nov 15, 2019 11:10 |  #8816

Oh that's terrible! lol!


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soeren
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Nov 15, 2019 12:37 |  #8817

CyberDyneSystems wrote in post #18960589 (external link)
Oh that's terrible! lol!

Yeah, the minimum is 5 pounds.


If history has proven anything. it's that evolution always wins!!

  
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kiwichris
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Nov 15, 2019 17:17 |  #8818

soeren wrote in post #18960631 (external link)
Yeah, the minimum is 5 pounds.

:-P:lol::-D:lol::-P


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Jonzjob
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Nov 16, 2019 05:47 |  #8819

While we are on the subject of lobsters.

Do you know what the difference between lobsters and crabs is?


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
https://johnamandiers.​wixsite.com/johns-w-o-w-1 (external link)
John.

  
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Nov 16, 2019 05:48 |  #8820

CONFIDENTIAL

To: All Staff

(Include any others on this list to whom this memo should be addressed.)
From: Your CEO Tate Pipelining.

Re.: Concerns about Compliance with OSHA Prohibitions against Retaliation
I am concerned about how the recent situation is being handled. 
Unless I am unaware of additional information or documentation related to this matter, I recommend that we revisit the situation related to this matter, and seek technical assistance to ensure that we have not made any errors in violation of laws that prohibit unlawful retaliation.
We share a strong commitment to the consistent application of all policies as well as legal compliance with all relevant city, state, and federal laws related to E&OE laws. I know we share a commitment to prevent liability exposure as well as personal liability exposure.
The resources below are free and available to us to use at any time. My membership in the School of HK’s provides free information, white papers, case-law information, and cutting-edge research capabilities along with toolkits for how to best handle E&OE and SH-related issues. 
I recommend that we use these resources in the future to ensure legally complaint decision-making processes related to E&OE and SH issues.
1 All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2 All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length. Do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3 The I.D (Inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D (Outside diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4 All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5 All pipe to be supplied without rust – this can be more readily applied at the job site

6 All pipe over 153m (500ft) in length should have the words “Long pipe” Painted on each end, so that the contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7 Pipe over 3.2km (2 miles) in length must also have the words “long pipe” painted in the middle, so that the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine weather or knot it is a long pipe.

8 All pipe over 150mm (6” ) in diameter must have the words “Large Pipe” painted on it so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.

9 When ordering 90 degree, 45 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify right or left hand, otherwise you could end up going the wrong way.

10 Be sure to specify to your vender whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for uphill use, the water will flow the wrong way.

11 All couplings should have either right or left hand threads, but do not mix the threads otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe it is unscrewing from the other end

Cheers
John


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
https://johnamandiers.​wixsite.com/johns-w-o-w-1 (external link)
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