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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
icopus
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Post edited 26 days ago by icopus.
     
Nov 16, 2019 15:32 |  #8821

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock.
That's humerus.
.
.
.
.
.
I did a search and this wasn't already here. How was this not already here???


It's my life and I'll get pissed if I want to.
"Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar." - E.R. Murrow

  
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pbigelow
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Nov 17, 2019 13:48 |  #8822

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She
looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she
thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun
you weigh 128 lb. and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing,
but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that
read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life,"

She sat down again. From no where, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The
nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine
and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again,"

Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs.,
you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind. Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong;
"I've never broken wind in public a day in my life!

"Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine.
She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs.,
you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.




  
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Jonzjob
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Nov 19, 2019 09:47 |  #8823

Jonzjob wrote in post #18960938 (external link)
While we are on the subject of lobsters.

Do you know what the difference between lobsters and crabs is?

Well, as nobody seems to know the difference beteen lobsters and crabs I will enlighten you.

A lot of people think that it is because they belong to completely different families. But the main and most noticeable difference is that lobsters don't itch.

Or so I have been told as I have no personal experience you understand.:rolleyes::rolleyes:


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
https://johnamandiers.​wixsite.com/johns-w-o-w-1 (external link)
John.

  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Nov 25, 2019 14:56 |  #8824

I wanted to make out on the hood of my Honda Civic but my girl refused, saying if we're going to make out it's going to be on her own Accord.




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Nov 25, 2019 14:57 |  #8825

I got a new phone and texted "Hello" to myself to see if the texts were going through.
I received that text message but didn't realize it was the one I just sent myself.
Replied to my own text message with "Who is this?"
Received THAT message two seconds later and thought "Whoa, who is that?"
That's when I realized what just happened. :/




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Nov 25, 2019 14:59 |  #8826

Before I got married I stopped to talk with my grandmother, a very wise woman who I respected deeply. I told grammy that I had met a wonderful girl and thought she might be "the one" because she was so beautiful and I would become tongue-tied and couldn't think straight whenever I was near her, and her gently smile made my knees shake. Even though I was rambling I still remember what my grammy told me... "Close the door, boy! I'm trying to poop!"




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Nov 25, 2019 14:59 |  #8827

My buddy stopped by the house and was all beat up. When I asked what happened he said he was having sex with his lovely neighbor when they heard the front door open. She said "Oh my God it's my husband! Quick! Hit the back door!"

"Looking back," he said, "I know I should have run, but you don't get an offer like that every day."




  
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Jonzjob
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Nov 26, 2019 10:52 |  #8828

Excerpt for the Connexion French newspaper in English and priceless!

"Two weeks ago, a driver and his two passengers drove into the water in the Old Port of Marseille as they were following the GPS in their Citroën C5. Police and firefighters rescued them and had to spend two hours trying to get the car out of the water. Nobody was injured. The car was making a trip from the Vaucluse and the driver explained that due to the heavy rain he could not see well and thought the water was a big puddle…

Have any readers ended up in the wrong place (perhaps not so dramatically) by following a GPS?"

It din arf make I giggle :-P:-P


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
https://johnamandiers.​wixsite.com/johns-w-o-w-1 (external link)
John.

  
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Gregsiem
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Nov 26, 2019 13:46 |  #8829

Jonzjob wrote in post #18966325 (external link)
Excerpt for the Connexion French newspaper in English and priceless!

"Two weeks ago, a driver and his two passengers drove into the water in the Old Port of Marseille as they were following the GPS in their Citroën C5. Police and firefighters rescued them and had to spend two hours trying to get the car out of the water. Nobody was injured. The car was making a trip from the Vaucluse and the driver explained that due to the heavy rain he could not see well and thought the water was a big puddle…

Have any readers ended up in the wrong place (perhaps not so dramatically) by following a GPS?"

It din arf make I giggle :-P:-P

It happened here in Ontario a while back.

https://www.cbc.ca …ory-boat-launch-1.3580930 (external link)

This is NOT my image.....it is straight off the new site (Couretsy CBC News)

IMAGE: https://i.cbc.ca/1.3580942.1463151980!/fileImage/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/16x9_780/opp-tobermory-kitchener-woman-drove-her-car-off-a-boat-launch-while-following-her-gps.jpg

_____________
Greg
7D II / 10-22 / 85 / Sigma 24-105 / Sigma 150-600 C / Sigma 100-400 / 430 EX II
flickr (external link)

  
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icopus
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Nov 26, 2019 18:23 |  #8830

The Garmin took us to an intersection with nothing there. Our destination was 5-6 miles away.


It's my life and I'll get pissed if I want to.
"Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar." - E.R. Murrow

  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Dec 06, 2019 12:31 |  #8831

WIFE (looking suspiciously at wrapped package): It isn't mice again, is it?

ME (from across the room): Just open it.




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Dec 06, 2019 12:32 |  #8832

I asked my sister-in-law if she could name all of Santa's reindeer. "Oh my God, yes!" she said with tears in her eyes. "It would be an honor!"




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Dec 06, 2019 12:33 |  #8833

Ebeneezer Scrooge's football team won the game when the ghost of Christmas passed.




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Dec 06, 2019 12:34 |  #8834

I swerved to avoid a baby deer today but it turned out to be a Smart car with those stupid antlers on it.




  
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Jonzjob
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Post edited 6 days ago by Jonzjob.
     
Dec 06, 2019 14:36 |  #8835

Hoof Arted wrote in post #18971021 (external link)
Ebeneezer Scrooge's football team won the game when the ghost of Christmas passed.

Passed what -?-? Water ? -?

By the way do you realise that Rudolf is Mrs Rudolf?


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
https://johnamandiers.​wixsite.com/johns-w-o-w-1 (external link)
John.

  
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)
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