Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Omg, that's baaad!!! Sorry, I'm laughing so much right now...

I've been laughing at the interrupting cow for a couple of weeks now I guess, love it!

Here's a quote from Chris Rock.

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more?"

My god...this thread deserves to be a "sticky".

Ok...a bit lame but....

Q: How do you catch a unique animal?

A: You "nique" up on them of course!

Nonsense Joke:

two tomatoes crossing the road, say to each other:
-Quickly! A car is comSQUATCHH
-What did youSQUATCHHHH

Ok...one more suitable for this forum...probably in a million different forums....


How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

After a long day working in the Neighborhood Chinese Take Out, the couple was getting ready for Bed. The husband nudge his wife and whisper in her ears, "how about a little 69".
The wife jumps up and screams, " if you think I going to get up and make you chicken and broccoli you are out of your mind".

Related to KevC's engineer jokes:

You might be an engineer if . . .
. . . you have no life and can prove it mathematically.
. . . you know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long division.
. . . you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”
. . . when you look in the mirror, you see an engineering major.
. . . it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
. . . you always do homework on Friday nights.
. . . you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
. . . you think in “math.”
. . . you’ve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
. . . you hesitate to look at something because you don’t want to break down its wave function.
. . . you have a pet named after a scientist.
. . . you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
. . . the Humane Society has had you arrested because you actually performed the Schroedinger’s Cat Experiment.
. . . you can translate English into Binary.
. . . you are completely addicted to caffeine.
. . . you avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
. . . you consider any non-science course “easy.”
. . . when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
. . . you’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.
. . . you understood more than five of these indicators.
. . . you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your office door.
. . . you think it might be a neat idea to send this message to all of your friends in the form of email.
. . . you know the glass is neither half full nor half empty; it's simply twice as big as it needs to be.

Found them on a website that I have long forgotten.

Wow, I hope that was not too long

You are an engineer if you find the above list funny. Sorry JonathanS, nothing against engineers

yes, I should have put that, and yes I found it rather funny... oh well

From http://www.holymoly.co​.uk/rules/rules.php . There are hundreds... i've removed the most offensive ones from the list of ones I like

Light is faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you speak to them.
Remember laughter's the best medicine, unless you're asthmatic, and then its ventolin.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least its the scenic route.
A Freudian slip occurs when you say one thing, but mean your mother.
the only reason airlines insist we cover our faces with our arms during an emergency is that we protect our teeth so the forensics can identify us through dental records after being piled into the ground at 600 mph!!!
What doesn't kill you, makes you stranger...
Revenge is a dish best served cold. However, I've found it goes rather well with chips and a pint.
Try everything once. Except folk dancing and incest.
It is not appropriate to whistle carnival music as a midget walks by. however it is funny.
A single womans level of madness can be measured in direct correlation to the number of cats in her possession.
When pulling up at a station, always pat the empty seat next to you on the train if you want to ensure no-one sits next to you. Either that or do a Stevie Wonder impersonation, even if your iPod's off.
Remember..a dog is not just for Christmas,there should be plenty left over for sandwiches on boxing day.
Remember when incredibly drunk, you can't fall off the floor
You can't eat trifle with a straw.

LMAO tim they're great, thanks

Mitch Hedberg was the absolute best. Here are a couple of his:

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"........ so it died.

I would imagine that if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy in one. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the f**k did you get that banana?

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn.

Guy saddles up to two women having a drink in a bar. "Hey there!" he tries.

"Give it up," one of them says, "we're lesbians."

"What are those?" he asks.

"We like to kiss girls." the other one says.

"BARTENDER!," the guy yells, "three beers for us lesbians here!"

Ok, this isn't really a joke, but I didn't want to open a new thread ...

http://files.louis-stahl.de …aneFunatChinaAi​rlines.pps

What do you call a cow that won't give milk?

A Milk Dud!