Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Codda wrote in post #19054406
Why would you bring Canada into this ?

Actually, Canada has a Prime Minister running our government, and our head of state is still The Queen, so no confusion there!

This will take a while...

Up in the far northern icy waters of the Arctic, an Innu was paddling his canoe. He was wrapped up heavily against the cold. He came across a bunch of lightly-clad neighbours and asked why there weren't freezing. They explained that they had caught some seals and traded them for gas heaters that warmed up their kayaks and kept them cozy.

Determined to enjoy the same benefits, our hero did the same, bringing a large bunch of fine seal pelts to the trader and asking for a gas stove. The regretfully advised that there had been a massive demand for the gas heaters and he was completely out for the winter. Determined to get something the Innu pointed to a stove and asked why he could not have that. The trader explained it was an oil stove, and if he used it and his kayak rocked while it was lit, it would set it on fire, burn it to the waterline and he would die of exposure.

Not to be denied, our hero got one despite the advice and took off to enjoy his new toy. Paddling along with warmth all around he was feeling very smug until, sure enough, a whale surfaced suddenly, causing the kayak to rock, the stove tipped and burnt it to the water. The poor Innu did die of exposure.

The morale of this story is you can't always have your kayak and heat it...

GRONE

There was a very powerful African tribal chief who dominated all of the other tribes around him. He used to raid all the time and kill loads of the other men, capture the women and steal the other tribal chiefs thrones.

On and on he went amassing a huge haul of these very decorative pieces until he had so many that he had to enlarge his hut/palace. They were made of stone, inlaid with gems, metal inlaid with gold and silver and all were incredibly precious.

He carried on and became the most powerful chief in the country with a huge collection of women slaves and thrones.

They were piled high in his palace/hut until it became difficult for him to do as he loved to do, to sit on all of them in turn. Eventually having to climb a ladder to get to the top ones

One day he wanted to sit on a superb one at the top of the stack and as he climbed right to the top there was an almighty gust of wind that actually rocked his hut/palace until it made the complete stack of thrones topple and fall.

He was caught in the fall and was hit and crushed by a very large stone and precious gem one and was killed outright.

All of the surrounding tribes were celebration the demise of the power of that tribe and they raided and took back all of their women and possessions and left the tribe desperate to survive.

Well, there is a moral to this terrible story too. And it is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!

Jonzjob wrote in post #19054379
He's totally Harpic, you know, clean round the bend

Desinfektants Roy? You should know by now that I never make mastikes mate

You mean miss steaks, eh?

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a
little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a
garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

When the fire fighter takes a closer look, he notices the girl has
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you
how to run your rig, but, if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
Collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren."

pbigelow wrote in post #19055440
A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a
little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a
garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

When the fire fighter takes a closer look, he notices the girl has
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you
how to run your rig, but, if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
Collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren."

Declawed cat?

digital paradise wrote in post #19055813

Hosted photo: posted by digital paradise in
./showthread.php?p=190​55813&i=i95436881
forum: The Lounge

Love it!

A moth comes into a chiropodist's.

'Can you help me, please?' the moth asks. 'I'm desperate. My wife has left me. My business has gone downhill. I'm in complete despair. You've got to help me.'

'But how can I help you?' said the chiropodist. 'What you need is a psychiatrist. Why did you come and see me?'

'The light was on,' said the moth.

This new social distancing has strange effects on people, doesn't it? For the first time in my life, I'm delighted when someone crosses the street to avoid me.

OhLook wrote in post #19055903
This new social distancing has strange effects on people, doesn't it? For the first time in my life, I'm delighted when someone crosses the street to avoid me.

I got used to that years ago

My wife kept nagging me about my terrible sense of direction. So I packed my things and right.

What's Innuendo?

The instructions for Italian suppositories.

Tronhard wrote in post #19056283
What's Innuendo?

The instructions for Italian suppositories.

Trevor you can laugh but seriously.
I had a hernia fixed a few years back and sometimes the consequences are constipation.
Well it happened and this chap ran out of carpenters pencils, didn't work anyway, so off wife goes to chemist for some glycerine lozenges. You can call them that 'cos some people talk through that end.
Anyway the cheeky young lady who knows me well and we often rib each other had great delight in handing over the said goods and in a big announcement told the whole shop
Mrs S you can take these home and tell Mr S to shove these right up his Ars....

Tronhard wrote in post #19056283
What's Innuendo?

The instructions for Italian suppositories.

One of our many hapless former Australian Prime Ministers, Tony Abbott, bizarrely made his entrance to the international stage with a speech that included: "No one, however smart, however well-educated, however experienced … is the suppository of all wisdom."