Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

He does get excited don't he

Who was he supposed to be ?

Day 26 of 'Shelter in Place':


My wife called in from the other room:

"Honey? Are you in any pain?"

I replied:
"No, what kind of pain do you mean?"

She said:
"Like needles going into your chest. Like someone is using a voodoo doll on you."

Me:
"No, nothing like that at all"

Her:
"How about now?"

Bloke walks into the doctors with a frog growing out of the top of his head!

The doc was quite shocked and surprised because it wasn't something you see every day and he blurted out

"Good grief !! What the hell happened to you !!

The frog replied

"No idea doc? It was just a boil on my bum yesterday !"

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison at the New Jersey State Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next day, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
The same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie.

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says,
"I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my a**hole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

A bad workman blames his fools.

EDIT: *tools. Stupid keyboard.

True story.

When I was employed by that small American company that some may have heard of? IBM, one of my tesks wa slooking after punch card machines and that required a lot of use of the keyboard, no smell checker in those daze. My biggest problem was that they were all disleksick.

It was so very lucky that I managed to fix them all because I have never been knon to make a mastike.

These daze with a smell chequer I never now what is going to appaer? So frustrinatng !

Knicked from another forum

Q: What's the difference between an Australian male and a wombat?
A: A comma!

Wombat: eats roots and leaves.
Aussie: eats, roots and leaves.

Pippan wrote in post #19074129
Q: What's the difference between an Australian male and wombat?
A: A comma!

Wombat: eats roots and leaves.
Aussie: eats, roots and leaves.

Yes. The same reason a Panda shot all the people in a restaurant

Similar to the lunatic who had his wicked way with a young lady in a laundry and left rather smartly I suppose

Nut screws washer and bolts