Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

I play jailhouse guitar...

....I'm behind a few bars and looking for a key

Maybe many of you won't quite get this, but those of us brought up in the UK certainly will. A link at the end will explain, and maybe bring back some memories too.


BE CAREFUL IF YOU GO TO BLACKPOOL.....

I witnessed some totally disgusting behavior on the beach at Blackpool yesterday.
A man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids, then she smacked him one on the head and it all kicked off between them. The police turned up and the policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke, but the man actually managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it.
Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages, as the man shouted 'Thats the way to do it'.....

https://www.google.com …efox-b-d&q=punch+and+judy

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.

The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.

Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong **** out the window!."

I don't get the Punch-line

He wasn't a proper English gentleman - if he were, he wouldn't have referred to cars as autos, and he would have put 'of' between 'out' and 'the window'.

I can only agree there Roy and that is probably why ECC didn't get the 'punch line'.

And after all, everyone knows that on the road the right side is the wrong side and the left side is the right side.

Dead easy init. There was a time in one of the large islands just west of England that did an experiment with which side of the road they wanted to drive on, so for 4 weeks they changed so the all of thr lorries drove on the right. It dodn't work so they all drive on the correct side again.

My reply was to Inse’s post

Jonzjob wrote in post #19075280
I can only agree there Roy and that is probably why ECC didn't get the 'punch line'.

And after all, everyone knows that on the road the right side is the wrong side and the left side is the right side.

Dead easy init. There was a time in one of the large islands just west of England that did an experiment with which side of the road they wanted to drive on, so for 4 weeks they changed so the all of thr lorries drove on the right. It dodn't work so they all drive on the correct side again.

Which make the left side the wrong side

If left is wrong, what’s left is right, right?

No, that's not right as the left is right, not the right.

Right, got it now?

It's quite obvious why the left was chosen as the right side. Because in the daze of your (your what? I have no idea?) a knight would ride on the left so that his sword arm was in a better place to shiv anyone who upset him and not get his donkey in the way.

Oh, they were such chivalrous days weren't they

Left has many meanings.
In surveying left can be right and vice versa depending on whose left. The bloke on the instrument or the offsider on the pole.
In the good old days of early theodolites the telescope was "uncorrected" and you had an inverted image.
So left in the telescope was not actually left, but right.

But it made it easy to just tell the bloke to go left when the later corrected telescope came into play as you didn't have to remember to reverse your direction to correct line of site as you had with an inverted image.

So left is what you make it. Not what some text book says it is. All relative.

Left hand threads are interesting. Give a nut to an unsuspecting person and the fun begins.
And then it's too easy to just screw it all up! Or rather not to screw!

I'll leave it at that, which could be said I'm now left out

Are you saying all my relatives are left ? No , sadly many are right wing! On the other hand at my age it is right that there aren’t so many left ...

avondale87 wrote in post #19075519
Left has many meanings.
In surveying left can be right and vice versa depending on whose left. The bloke on the instrument or the offsider on the pole.
In the good old days of early theodolites the telescope was "uncorrected" and you had an inverted image.
So left in the telescope was not actually left, but right.

But it made it easy to just tell the bloke to go left when the later corrected telescope came into play as you didn't have to remember to reverse your direction to correct line of site as you had with an inverted image.

So left is what you make it. Not what some text book says it is. All relative.

Left hand threads are interesting. Give a nut to an unsuspecting person and the fun begins.
And then it's too easy to just screw it all up! Or rather not to screw!

I'll leave it at that, which could be said I'm now left out

Then of course there is the left in politics which is really no different to the right as neither want to be left in the middle, or left right out, so if left alone they may go back to the left of their own accord, providing they have any energy left. Now that has left me some what aligned to the left I think.

Nautical/aerial, it is referenced to the front of the vessel, as "port" and "starboard" which removes some ambiguity. However, air traffic control still tells us left or right turns

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks.
Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other.
Every morning, just after sunup, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!" Clarence would shout.
"You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup you!"
"Clarence!" Rufus would holler back.
"You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup you!"
Every morning.
Every day.
For 20 years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and built a bridge.
But the insults went on every morning.
Every day.
Another five years.
Finally, Mr. Rufus' wife had enough.
"Rufus!" she squallered one day, "I can't take no more!
Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence.
Well, thar's the bridge!
Have at it!"
Rufus thought for a moment.
Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place.
"I'm gonna whup Clarence!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, then turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove under the bed.
"Rufus!" cried the Missus.
"I thought you was gonna whup Clarence!"
"I was, Woman, I was!" he whispered.
"What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," whispered the terror stricken Rufus, "I walked halfway over the bridge and saw a sign that said, 'Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches.'
He ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!"..