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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
ECC233
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Aug 13, 2020 15:19 as a reply to  @ post 19108233 |  #9526

I agree ... but at least there was an apple! We probably shouldn’t start on Adam and Eve


Ed
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avondale87
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Aug 15, 2020 14:37 |  #9527

A farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus. 'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine I'm fine?' asked the lawyer.

Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said ,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da #*š¥ would you say?



Richard

  
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avondale87
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Post edited 8 months ago by avondale87. (2 edits in all)
     
Aug 15, 2020 14:40 |  #9528

Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?
The bull has horns, and the cow is the udder one.



Richard

  
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Jonzjob
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Post edited 8 months ago by Jonzjob.
     
Aug 15, 2020 16:57 |  #9529

Well, if you really want to get to the udder truth then you should read the book

"Where the Cow is King".

I have a copy and have had it for about 20 years now. A fascinating read and with that in mind it only goes to wonder who does what with which -?

https://smile.amazon.c​o.uk …1597527455&s=bo​oks&sr=1-1 (external link)

Just as a matter of interest, I will be going across Minchinhampton Common tomorrow morning on my way to Rodborough Common to meet my other 'glider guiders' to fly our RC gliders as we do every Sunday morning, weather permitting. I also used to live on the edge of 'Minch Common for 23 years.

A fact that will possibly appeal to glofers with their little dimpled balls and bats on the end of long sticks is that there are up to 500 head of cattle that wander over the common through the summer, which has an 18 hole glof course running all over it. It they belt their little balls into a cow pat they get a free drop :eek:

I'm not serious very often, but do have a quick look at the site below, it shows Minch and Rodborough Commons. They are a beautiful 1200 acre area.

https://www.nationaltr​ust.org.uk …on-and-rodborough-commons (external link)


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
https://johnamandiers.​wixsite.com/johns-w-o-w-1 (external link)
John.

  
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avondale87
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Post edited 8 months ago by avondale87.
     
Aug 15, 2020 17:12 as a reply to  @ Jonzjob's post |  #9530

Well John, I have to agree quite an appealing place.
Learnt a whole new set of words from that
demesne
sub-enfeoffed
feoffment
And feoffment

And I've been dealing in land for yonks. Never too ancient to learn :-P



Richard

  
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Jonzjob
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Post edited 8 months ago by Jonzjob.
     
Aug 16, 2020 16:47 |  #9531

Richard, as the automatic doors in The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy say, "Glad to be of service" in a very American accent :-(

It's a very popular and lovely spot and I had a few hours of good fun and flying there this morning. Especially me Camel :rolleyes:

But as this is the jokes bit

I said to the wife, "Pass me the newspaper please."

"Don't be silly," she said. "Here, use my iPad."

That spider never knew what hit it.


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
https://johnamandiers.​wixsite.com/johns-w-o-w-1 (external link)
John.

  
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Jonzjob
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Aug 16, 2020 17:02 |  #9532

Contemporary Philosophers

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
Warren Tantum

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Jonathan Winters


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
https://johnamandiers.​wixsite.com/johns-w-o-w-1 (external link)
John.

  
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Pippan
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Aug 17, 2020 17:06 |  #9533

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.


Be the person your dog thinks you are.

  
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OhLook
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Aug 17, 2020 17:13 |  #9534

Pippan wrote in post #19110678 (external link)
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Indeed!


PRONOUN ADVISORY: OhLook is a she. | A FEW CORRECT SPELLINGS: lens, aperture, amateur, hobbyist, per se, raccoon, whoa, more so (2 wds.), shoo-in | Comments welcome

  
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avondale87
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Post edited 8 months ago by avondale87.
     
Aug 17, 2020 19:12 |  #9535

OhLook wrote in post #19110680 (external link)
Indeed!

That has 6 letters  :p

Edit : on account of being caught out  :p
OhLook said Indeed was the answer to Pippan's request.
I mentioned it was a wrong answer as it had..... :-P
Now I'm not going to mention the rest 'cos some comic will take me to task  :p



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Aug 17, 2020 19:24 |  #9536

Pippan wrote in post #19110678 (external link)
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

This statement evaluates to TRUE.




  
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Pippan
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Aug 17, 2020 19:28 |  #9537

This statement is false.


Be the person your dog thinks you are.

  
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avondale87
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Aug 17, 2020 19:32 as a reply to  @ Pippan's post |  #9538

Some of my teeth are false, others are real
For some reason the false ones cost me less than the real ones.
Suppose that sums up life to some extent



Richard

  
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avondale87
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Aug 17, 2020 19:40 |  #9539

Speaking of letters and words

An eight year old kid challenged his classmates that he can make the number one disappear by adding something to it.

How can he do that?



Richard

  
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Pippan
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Aug 17, 2020 19:48 |  #9540

avondale87 wrote in post #19110725 (external link)
Speaking of letters and words

An eight year old kid challenged his classmates that he can make the number one disappear by adding something to it.

How can he do that?

Add an 'n'?


Be the person your dog thinks you are.

  
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