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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
avondale87
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Aug 17, 2020 20:07 |  #9541

Pippan wrote in post #19110726 (external link)
Add an 'n'?

or a G



Richard

  
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soeren
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Aug 17, 2020 23:00 |  #9542

avondale87 wrote in post #19110710 (external link)
That has 6 letters  :p

No that has 4 letters :mrgreen:


If history has proven anything. it's that evolution always wins!!

  
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Jonzjob
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Aug 18, 2020 01:45 |  #9543

We normally only get a couple of letters and not usually on a Monday for some reason?

Pipan, I can only agree with your 'statement.' (8 letters)

Richard, I have been asked if all of my teeth are my own? They dammed well should be, they cost me a fortune :eek:


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
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soeren
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Post edited 8 months ago by soeren. (2 edits in all)
     
Aug 19, 2020 00:53 |  #9544

So, a new study shows that beeing infected with corona turns you into a die hard for life comunist which is why the contries of the former Sovjet union, China and other communist and socialist countries dont suffer as much as the more liberal democracies in the western world

ssssshhhhhhh dont tell anyone ;-)a

Well at least there is no evidence it doesnt


If history has proven anything. it's that evolution always wins!!

  
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Firemike
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Aug 19, 2020 17:18 |  #9545

Gregsiem wrote in post #19108369 (external link)
If you tour Pennsylvania, you can have Intercourse on your itinerary.

If your ever in Michigan (USA) you can come to


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If you don't like it there, you can always go to


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...and yes, Hell has actually frozen over.

Michael
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Tronhard
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Aug 21, 2020 19:45 |  #9546

An English schoolteacher was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommend any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a "W.C." near the room.

The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C." and the only solution they could come up with for the letters was "Wayside Chapel". The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with her room.

Dear Madam:

I take great comfort in informing you that a "W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ accompanist.

The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression on their faces.

The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy resident of the district, which rings every time a person enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt want.

My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly: it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so that they will not disturb the elders.


"All the beauty of life is made up of light and shadow", Leo Tolstoy;
"Skill in photography is acquired by practice and not by purchase" Percy W. Harris
We aren't remembered for the gear we use, rather the quality of the images we create. Me...
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Jonzjob
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Aug 22, 2020 06:43 |  #9547

This is actual

One Christmas I pulled a cracker with one of my family and the 'joke' I had read

We are born crying
Live complaining
And die disappointing.

It cheered me up all day :eek:


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
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NixEre
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Aug 22, 2020 07:08 as a reply to  @ Jonzjob's post |  #9548

That must have been the Scrooge box ...


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Nic
One day I'll take the photo I thought I had taken ...

  
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Capn ­ Jack
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Aug 23, 2020 11:20 |  #9549

A man walks into a bar in New Orleans...

...and tells the bartender...

"Gimme a Corona and two hurricanes"

The bartender says...

"That'll be $20.20"




  
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Jonzjob
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Aug 24, 2020 14:41 |  #9550

Even with hind sight I can't work that one out jack -?-?


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
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Pippan
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Aug 24, 2020 15:19 |  #9551

Jonzjob wrote in post #19114143 (external link)
Even with hind sight I can't work that one out jack -?-?

It's the year 2020, New Orleans is about to be hit by 2 hurricanes (currently in the Gulf of Mexico) and some sort of novel virus.


Be the person your dog thinks you are.

  
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Capn ­ Jack
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Post edited 7 months ago by Capn Jack. (2 edits in all)
     
Aug 24, 2020 18:54 |  #9552

Jonzjob wrote in post #19114143 (external link)
Even with hind sight I can't work that one out jack -?-?

Pippin got it

Pippan wrote in post #19114167 (external link)
It's the year 2020, New Orleans is about to be hit by 2 hurricanes (currently in the Gulf of Mexico) and some sort of novel virus.

But a little more explanation is needed- There's a cocktail local to New Orleans called a "hurricane". Rum and some other things- as far as I know, you don't get them (easily) outside of New Orleans, it's sort of a local delicacy. I suppose barkeeps elsewhere can make them, but here's the recipe
https://www.neworleans​.com/drink/cocktails/h​urricane/ (external link)

https://en.wikipedia.o​rg/wiki/Hurricane_(coc​ktail (external link))




  
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Jonzjob
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Aug 25, 2020 05:18 |  #9553

You could have that Hurricane with a nice Tournedos Rossini and weather the storm with ease 8-)

Ta for the explication Capt


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Inse
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Aug 29, 2020 09:29 |  #9554

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.

Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.


RAY
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Inse
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Aug 31, 2020 09:05 |  #9555

.A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” “I can’t jump out the window, It’s raining out there!” “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!” So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked. “Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air. “It feels so wonderfully free!” Another runner moved alongside him. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?” “Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!” Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, * * * * * * * * * * “Do you always wear a condom when you run?” “Nope……… just when it’s raining”...


RAY
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http://inse-photography.smugmug.co​m/ (external link)

  
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)
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