Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Jonzjob wrote in post #19182314
I called one of my girlfriends Spanners, 'cause she tightened my nuts

Jonzjob wrote in post #19182159
So as we don't miss the day we celebrate the 28th and the 1st

I may be mad, but I try not to be stupid

I hope your wife's not reading this John
You might get creamed yourself and all your leap years come to a swift end


A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
Thats when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?", asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"

Smart, town car pulls up at the Ford.

Spotting the local farmer with some cows in an adjacent field he enquires if it's safe to cross.

"Ah no problem" says the farmer, waving him through with his shepherds crook.

The water rises up the wheels and keeps on rising until the interior is wet and the car stuck.

"Cant understand that" says the farmer, pulling his cap of his head, scratching his head and rolling a bit of straw around in his mouth

" Only comes half way up my ducks".

Not so much a joke but a good sea story

The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The date was 31 December 1899. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought Captain John D.S. Phillips the result. The Warrimoo’s position was LAT 0o 31′ N and LONG 179 30′ W. “Know what this means?” First Mate Payton broke in, “We’re only a few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line”. Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime.

He called his navigators to the bridge to check and double check the ship’s position. He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he adjusted the engine speed.

The calm weather and clear night worked in his favor. At midnight the SS Warrimoo lay on the equator at exactly the point where it crossed the International Date Line! The consequences of this bizarre position were many:
The bow of the ship was in the southern hemisphere in the middle of summer.
The stern was in the northern hemisphere in the middle of winter.
The date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899.
In the bow it was 1 January 1900.
The ship was therefore not only in:
two different days;
two different months;
two different years;
two different seasons;
but also in two different centuries – all at the same time!

Excellent reading Pippan
Couldn't set that up, but have to take advantage of it. Couldn't let it pass!

A blonde man was having a shower intent on washing his hair with some new shampoo wife had bought.
She calls out to see how's he going.
He replied "The shampoo says its for dry hair but I've just wet mine"

Blonde haired man finds an envelope slipped under the door.
In big letters are DO NOT BEND on the envelope.
He spends next two hours trying to work out how to pick it up without bending

This is an interesting read about that fascinating situation P

https://www.snopes.com​/fact-check/ss-warrimoo/

Richard, the second blond bloke must have been totally thick! All he had to do was kneel down and if the first bloke was anything like SWMBO and I then there wouldn't have been any problem, because we haven't used shampoo for over 27 years. That's the truth by the way Saved us a fortune already init

Did you hear about the guy that lost 250 pounds of ugly fat in one day?

His wife left him.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

No problem. If my wife reaches 250 I'll trade her in for two 125s.

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!
All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the 'roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Sheila

Ordering a Pizza in 2022


CALLER:

Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE:

No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:

I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE:

No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:

Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:

My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:

Super! That’s what I’ll have.

GOOGLE:

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:

What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!

GOOGLE:

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:

How the hell do you know that?

GOOGLE:

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.

CALLER:

I bought more from another Pharmacy.

GOOGLE:

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:

I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:

I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:

That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!

CALLER:

WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:

I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of

helping you.

CALLER:

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsAppand all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

Welcome to the future

Jonzjob wrote in post #19185787
Ordering a Pizza in 2022


CALLER:

Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE:

No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:

I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE:

No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:

Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:

My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:

Super! That’s what I’ll have.

GOOGLE:

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:

What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!

GOOGLE:

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:

How the hell do you know that?

GOOGLE:

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.

CALLER:

I bought more from another Pharmacy.

GOOGLE:

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:

I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:

I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:

That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!

CALLER:

WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:

I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of

helping you.

CALLER:

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsAppand all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

Welcome to the future

I don't really like it but I don't think it's very far-fetched either! Scary. In Australia there's currently a battle going on mainly between Google (and other social media) and Rupert Murdoch (and other msm) for ultimate control of our media. As scary as Google might be, I'd still prefer it.

I set up a new cell phone the other day. Now my cell is for communications between people via phone and txt. A few days later I got an announcement o my computer that my password had been was no longer usable and I had to set up a new one. Did so with much grumbling to oneself. then hey presto Google musta discovererd that my phone has no Google account. Yep that's the way I want it. Google rang me, I answered phone, with' I am deaf, please txt me at this number.' Phone rang again, and I lost my temper... "I know you are ringing from America, I do appreciate that is like an expensive call to make, but, I am still deaf. I still can not talk over the phone, but more importantly, If I need your services I will ask. If you have some comment other than trying to get me a Google account on my phone, please do by all means txt me. Goodbye."

Five days have passed I am still waiting for an answer, and it was the new phone password that prompted them to make me change passords to my internet system in the first place.

Google, and others worry me, particularly with their buisness morals, the day of the honorable handshake sealing a deal, has well and truly gone.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof!

A bad photographer always takes a dim view of things.