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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
20droger
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Jul 26, 2008 08:32 as a reply to  @ post 5984488 |  #1186

A father comes home from work and sees his son sitting in the punishment corner.

Father: "Hello, Son."
Boy: "Hi, Dad."
F: "Mom put you in the corner?"
B: "Uh-huh."
F. "You did something wrong."
B: "Nope."
F: "Well, why did Mom put you in the corner?"
B: "I dunno."
F: "You must have done something."
Boy, virtually shouting: "I didn't do nothin'!"

Mom (from kitchen): "That's right! He didn't do anything! He didn't do his homework! He didn't clean his room! He didn't take out the trash! He didn't feed his dog! He didn't do anything!"




  
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CrazieCricket
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Jul 26, 2008 10:19 |  #1187

A Biker and His Babe



This is what happens when your kids take away your driver's license.


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Roy ­ Mathers
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Jul 26, 2008 10:22 |  #1188

20droger wrote in post #5987870 (external link)
A father comes home from work and sees his son sitting in the punishment corner.

Father: "Hello, Son."
Boy: "Hi, Dad."
F: "Mom put you in the corner?"
B: "Uh-huh."
F. "You did something wrong."
B: "Nope."
F: "Well, why did Mom put you in the corner?"
B: "I dunno."
F: "You must have done something."
Boy, virtually shouting: "I didn't do nothin'!"

Mom (from kitchen): "That's right! He didn't do anything! He didn't do his homework! He didn't clean his room! He didn't take out the trash! He didn't feed his dog! He didn't do anything!"

He didn't learn English grammar either!:D




  
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sblais
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Jul 26, 2008 10:37 |  #1189

Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by QANTAS Pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks.


Problem - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Solution - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Problem - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution - No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem - Something loose in cockpit.
Solution - Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem - Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution - Live bugs on backorder.

Problem - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Solution - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution - Evidence removed.

Problem - DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution - Volume set to more believable level.

Problem - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution - That's what they are there for!

Problem - IFF inoperative.
Solution - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem - Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution - Suspect you're right.

Problem - Number 3 engine missing.
Solution - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem - Aircraft handles funny.
Solution - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

Problem - Target radar hums.
Solution - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

Problem - Mouse in cockpit.
Solution - Cat installed.


Sebastien
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There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. -- Admiral William Halsey

  
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VisualOddity
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Jul 26, 2008 14:15 |  #1190

Crude jokes allowed? I heard a good one yesterday...
Please remove this if it isn't allowed...

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Who is the best whore in history? ???
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Mrs. Packman. Give her a quarter, and she will eat balls till she dies... :lol:


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bgmike
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Jul 26, 2008 14:24 |  #1191

Orson Wells, John Wayne and Rock Hudson were in Heaven and they all decided to ask God if they could come back to Earth. God said they could, but, if they even thought about how they originally died then they would be instantly brought back to heaven. So, they all went back down to earth and were walking down the street. they came upon a bakery and Orson Wells looked through the window and "poof" he was gone. John Wayne and Rock Hudson continued along the street. John looked down and saw a cigarette butt on the ground that was still burning. Eagerly, he bent over to pick it up and "poof"..........there went Rock Hudson.



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20droger
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Jul 26, 2008 15:14 |  #1192

Roy Mathers wrote in post #5988215 (external link)
He didn't learn English grammar either!:D

Hey! Cut him some slack! After all, he's just a kid, and he's just being colloquial.

Besides, he's in enough trouble already.




  
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Radtech1
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Jul 26, 2008 15:31 as a reply to  @ post 5856084 |  #1193

A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia.

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

1. It's none of your damn business,
2. She was my wife, and,

(wait for it)

3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"


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Be humble, for you are made of the earth. Be noble, for you are made of the stars.

  
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20droger
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Jul 26, 2008 15:33 as a reply to  @ 20droger's post |  #1194

Three engineering students were given an assignment:

You have a seven-pound boneless beef roast at room temperature of 75°. How long would it take to raise the center of the roast to 170° in a 350° oven?

The first student, being of a theoretical mind, looked up the specific gravity of beef, assumed the thermal tranmittance to be about 95% that of water, calculated the appropriate voulme, and came up with a solution of aproximately 2 hours, 20 minutes.

The second student, being more of the hands-on type, went out and bought a seven-pound roast and a meat thermometer, set his oven to 350°, and timed how long it took for the inside of the roast to reach 170°. About 2 hours and 20 minutes later, he wrote up his results while eating a medium rare roast beef sandwich.

The third student, being one who never does any more than is abbsolutely necessary, called his mother and asked her the question. She replied, "Oh, about 20 minutes per pound."

All three students arrived at the same answer. The question is, however, which student would make the best enginerer?

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Number three. Never reinvent the wheel.




  
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steveathome
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Jul 27, 2008 07:55 |  #1195

Robert16 wrote in post #5858102 (external link)
http://www.youtube.com​/watch?v=scNLfr1EP08 (external link) - The
Scottish version of chav ( but you get the idea)

Robbie Williams in disguise?




  
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steveathome
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Jul 27, 2008 07:59 |  #1196

belmondo wrote in post #5953780 (external link)
It's just off-screen to the left.;)

Who actually scrolled back up to take a look?




  
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20droger
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Jul 27, 2008 13:42 as a reply to  @ steveathome's post |  #1197

This is the comic strip "The Buckets," by Greg Cravens, for July 26. Normally, I would post a link, but being out of date all the links I could find would only give the current strip.

Be honest! Haven't you ever wanted to do this?


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puddlepirate44
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Jul 27, 2008 15:04 |  #1198

20droger wrote in post #5994083 (external link)
This is the comic strip "The Buckes," by Greg Cravens, for July 26. Normally, I would post a link, but being out of date all the links I could find would only give the current strip.

Be honest! Haven't you ever wanted to do this?

Wanted? Did. :D


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20droger
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Jul 27, 2008 16:18 |  #1199

puddlepirate44 wrote in post #5994453 (external link)
Wanted? Did. :D

What else should we expect from a "particularly bad Meany Head"?




  
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SoccerRef
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Jul 28, 2008 08:04 as a reply to  @ 20droger's post |  #1200

steveathome wrote in post #5992706 (external link)
Who actually scrolled back up to take a look?

ok... I'll admit it. I did.


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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)
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