Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

(Pet owners will KNOW this is true!)

And God Created Dog and Cat

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?'

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."And God said "No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as really he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of blind adoration."

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being after all. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't care less one way or the other.

Thee older gentlemen sitting on the front porch of rest home,
70 year old guy says, "Man, I wish I could take a healthy pee"
80 year old guy says "I can take a healthy pee, I just wish I could take a healthy dump"
90 year old guy says "Everymorning, come 9:00, I take a healthy pee, every morning come 10:00 I take a healthy dump. Only problem is don't wake up until 11:00"

Aaagogo wrote in post #6014244
yes it is,

it says - I can't believe you are stupid enough to actually feel the screen to try to read this

Not the alphabet I have.

You guys heard about that big new movie - called CONSTIPATION......?

It's not out yet...

Yeah, I heard it's really crappy.

(So we've degenerated into scatological humor. Sigh!)

20droger wrote in post #6016141
Yeah, I heard it's really crappy.

(So we've degenerated into scatological humor. Sigh!)

Good follow-up!

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. 'Where have you been?'

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downward through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. 'For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,'

God continued pointing to different countries. 'This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, 'What's that one?'

'Ah,' said God 'That's the State of Washington, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from the State of Washington are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, 'What about balance, God? You said there would be balance.'

God smiled, 'There is another Washington ...wait until you see who I put there.'

Radtech1 wrote in post #6014669
(Pet owners will KNOW this is true!)

And God Created Dog and Cat

A newly discovered chapter .....

I love this one

Nice to know that the future of the world in entrusted to young people with such vision and foresight:

Byte size: ZERO | Content warning: NOT AN IMAGE

Looks like it hurt. A lot.

On the radio this morning, Larry the cable guy commercial.

"Ever accidentally see your parents having sex?"
"Last time I'm going to that web site."

Made me smile.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in it, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?''No, because he's really heavy'

Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

What's brown and peers in your window at night? Poo on stilts

--

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'... "

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well ... sort of right ... this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether............

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

The first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

'Is it wine?' she guessed.

'No,' the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, 'Champagne?

'No,' said the little boy.

'It's a puppy.'

Robert16 wrote in post #6025125

Don't encourage him!

Q. What did one Dead Head say to the other Dead Head after they ran out of weed?

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A. God, this band sucks!