Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States ... a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you had a pants-wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run !

Now ... on the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good-looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship!!

What in God's name are ya lads thinkin' over in the colonies???!!!

Why is Laura Bush always on top when she and George make love?

Because George can only f**k up.

Love it!

Check this out

http://xkcd.com/463/

XKCD, now that's a quality comic.

Citizensmith wrote in post #6117350
XKCD, now that's a quality comic.

Make me a sandwich!

No!

sudo Make me a sandwich!

Okay


I love XKCD

That is hilarious! I've never heard of XKCD before. I espcially like the disclaimer:

Warning: this comic occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors).

A BOAT STORY

There were two Jones brothers, one was married and one single.
The single one owned a delapidated row boat and it had been sunk.
This happened the same day his brother's wife passed away.

A few days later a kind old lady met the single brother on the street.
Mistaking him for his widowed brother said, "Oh, Mr.Jones, I'm terriby sorry about your loss! You must feel terrible!"
Mr. Jones replied, "Oh, I'm not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all chewed up and smelled of dead fish. She had a crack in her bottom and a pretty bad hole in the front which kept getting bigger every time I used her. How I lost her was, four guys from the other side of town, out for a bit of fun, came over and rented her from me. They said they didn't mind what shape she was in, they wanted to take her out anyway. The result was they all tried to get into her at the same time and it was just to much for her.
At that remark the old lady fainted.

joke: (ment to be sent as a text message or email)

the government is going to start shipping retards away, i started crying when i thought of you. be strong, wear your helmet!

In the same vein... text messages jokes.

"Today is the international day for the mentally disabled. Please send an encouraging txt to a mentally retarded friend, as I have done".

"Police have found a badly burned corpse with no brain and a very small pe***. Please text back so I know you're ok".

I have a few more but they're in pretty bad taste.

Fat-man's lament (sung to a well-known tune):

I've got the blues.
I've got the 501 blues.
Much to my surprise,
They don't make 'em my size.
So I sew two together
And wear those one-oh-oh-twos.

A pirate walks into a bar with a large ships steering wheel attached to his belt buckle.

The bartender looks at him and says "Do you realize you have a ships wheel attached to your belt buckle?"

The pirate says "Yarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the Vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The Vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her that if she's going this under her arms not to use deodorant for a few days. The lady tells him that she is not going to use it under her arms. The druggist then tells her if she's using it on her legs not to shave for a couple of days. The lady tells him she is not using on her legs either and if he must know, she's using it on her Schnauzer. To which the druggist replied "Stay off your bicycle for a week"


..........old

tim wrote in post #6116152
Check this out

http://xkcd.com/463/

YES, xkcd is very funny (one of my favorites shows I guy furiously tying away in the middle of the night, in a dark room, explaining that he can't come to bed, because "someone on the internet is wrong!")

But even though that is very funny, and the one Tim posted is very funny, they both pale in comparison to this:

http://xkcd.com/457/

Rad

So its bit more selective, you need to be at least partially into video games, but Zero Punctuation is also really funny.
http://www.escapistmag​azine.com …w/zero-punctuation?page=1

For instance here is his Tomb Raider review.

Oh yeah, you need sound, and definitely NSFW due to bad language.