Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.' The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with both barrels of the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter 'Want coffee.' The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.'

This is my currently favourite joke!! Borrowed it from another forum I hang out on.

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
Ventriloquist: 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a fudging liar……'

Why you never question a old drunk......

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket and selected the following:

- 1/2 gallon 25 milk
- dozen eggs
- quart of orange juice
- head of romaine lettuce
- 2lb can of coffee
- and a 1lb package of bacon

As she was placing the items on the conveyor for check out, an old drunk was standing behind her watching her place the items on the belt. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases the old drunk calmly stated "you must be single". The woman was startled by his statement but also intrigued by the derelict's intuition for she was indeed single. She studied her purchases and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that would have allowed the old drunk to guess her marital status. Curiosity finally got the best of her and she asked "well you know what, you are absolutely correct. But how on earht did you know that?" The old drunk replied. "cause you're ugly."


..............old

oldtimingman wrote in post #6153696
Why you never question a old drunk......

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket and selected the following:

- 1/2 gallon 25 milk
- dozen eggs
- quart of orange juice
- head of romaine lettuce
- 2lb can of coffee
- and a 1lb package of bacon

As she was placing the items on the conveyor for check out, an old drunk was standing behind her watching her place the items on the belt. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases the old drunk calmly stated "you must be single". The woman was startled by his statement but also intrigued by the derelict's intuition for she was indeed single. She studied her purchases and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that would have allowed the old drunk to guess her marital status. Curiosity finally got the best of her and she asked "well you know what, you are absolutely correct. But how on earht did you know that?" The old drunk replied. "cause you're ugly."


..............old

I always loved that story........Here's another version.

Lady goes to the doctor. After extensive testing, he sits down, puts his arm around her shoulder, and tells her, "I'm very sorry, but you have a very rare, terminal illness. I expect you will be dead in a month."

The lady jumps up and screams, "I want a second opinion!!"

The doctor shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay. You're also ugly."

"Sir, you're drunk!" "Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly." -- Lady Astor and Winston Churchill

When Winston Churchill was attending a buffet lunch he said to his
American hostess, "May I have some breast?"

The hostess replied, "In this country, Mr. Churchill, we say white meat
or dark meat."

Churchill apologised and next day sent her an orchid along with a card
which read, "I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white
meat."

How to choose a Bride:
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how
each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you,
because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, “I bought
these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future
because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.

This news just in:
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.

PhotosGuy wrote in post #6189363
This news just in:
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.

Unfortunately, there's probably a glimmer of truth in this one. (Hey, I was born and raised in Georgia).

PhotosGuy wrote in post #6189363
This news just in:
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.

We've noticed a similar event sweeping western North Carolina...definitely could be related!

PhotosGuy wrote in post #6189363
This news just in:
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.

That cracked me up! Glad I'm up north and away from the invading hordes!

An American tourist goes on a trip to China ..

While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his "tool" covered with bright green and purple freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc". The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your "tool".

The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two weeks more. It will fall off by itself! You save money".

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