Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

That's funny. Got to wonder if its deliberate though. Probably getting them a fair few page hits.

Got this one in email a few minutes ago...

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane! Still working on that makeup!

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying To straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear and it fell into my coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins. It ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.


Stupid women drivers!!!

WorkingClassHero wrote in post #6193372
Note to webmasters...

...before advertising your work, make sure you close down stuff that you don't want others to see before taking screenshots

http://www.orangelabel​.com/icons.htm

Check the IE labels on the taskbar....

It's called viral marketing. It's the new hip thing in marketing.

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Nearing the end of a well received show, Claude the Hypnotist told the audience "I'm going to conclude by putting you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience, simultaneously."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique Pocket Watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch," he began in a soothing voice, "It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations, and it has the power to entrance." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, back and forth, back and forth, until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH!T" exclaimed Claude.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

LMAO!

"The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention - with the possible exception of the handgun and tequila!"

tag141 wrote in post #6231257
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

One of the recent best...LMAO...

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking, but obviously not “rich” man in his late forties or early fifties. 'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. Two hours later the man calmly left.

The next night the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After two hours he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. And the same pattern repeated itself for another week. Everyone was astounded that he had come for his tenth consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row, let alone TEN! Where are you from?'

The man replied, 'Ontario'.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario'.

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to deliver your $50,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

A traveling salesman walks into a bar, the bar tender asked the salesmen what would he like to drink, and the salesmen says that he would like a beer.
So the bar tender comes back with his beer, and the salesman asks what’s up with the horse at the end of the bar, and why is he crying, the bar tender says that the horse has been crying for a month and he can’t get him to stop.
He tell’s the salesman that if he can get the horse to stop crying, he will pay him $500.00, so the salesman walks over to the horse and whisper’s something into the horse’s ear, and the horse just starts rolling on the floor with laughter, the bar tender pay’s the salesman his $500.00 and he leaves.
A week later the salesman comes back to the same bar, and he orders a beer and say’s to the bar tender what’s up with the horse he’s still laughing, and the bar tender say’s ya I can’t get him to stop, but if you can make him stop Ill give you $500.00, the salesman walks over to the horse with his back to the bar, and the horse just starts crying again, the bar tender pay’s the salesman his $500.00 and he say’s to the salesman I just have ask you, just what did you say to the horse the 1st time to make the horse stop crying the salesman say’s that he told the horse that mine was bigger than his, and the horse started laughing. and just what did you say to him the 2nd time, the salesman say’s I didn’t say anything, I showed him.

Plummet wrote in post #6241955
A traveling salesman walks into a bar, the bar tender asked the salesmen what would he like to drink, and the salesmen says that he would like a beer.

<RIMSHOT>

An oldie but a goodie...

I just saw this clip, 7 mins, it is priceless.

Hope you enjoy it: http://www.youtube.com​/watch?v=BmQDy7Khd0c

Two I got in an EMail tonight.

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Oh, one more, that somehow I didn't notice at first - and very photo (well photoshop) related:

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Have you ever been to the I Can Has Cheezburger web site? That's where those pictures originated. There are a ton more of them there.