Good grief... "Thank you for choosing Acme Lifeguards. We're here to help you in your time of need. All our lifeguards are currently busy checking Facebook in their air conditioned towers. If you are drowning, press one. If you're having a heart attack, press two. For stroke, say "help me"... To end this call say "ellp eee"
you press 9
"Our lifeguards strive for excellence, however at this time we are unable to help you with the emergency you have chosen. Insurance plan restrictions prevent our employees from exposing themselves to: large bodies of water, extreme temperatures, sun exposure, and dangerous animals. Also if you are smoking or drinking, our employees have been informed to refuse assistance due to the chance that such exposure would make them fail the weekly screenings for each, and as such cause our insurance premiums to go up an extra $1 a year. We hope your experience with us has been a pleasant one. Thank you for choosing Acme Lifeguards. Goodbye."
Yes, I have severe Equipment Deficiency. No, the pills don't fix it.