I thought you were talking about Chuck Norris.
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
6. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
9. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
11. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
12. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
13. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.
14. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
15. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
18. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
19. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
21. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
23. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
25. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
27. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
28. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
29. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
30. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
31. i honestly knew a kid in highschool who's grandpa knocked chuck norris out in a kickboxing-style competition.
32. Chuck Norris has special cowboy boots made that say "You been Whoop'd" backwards on the sole, so when he gives you a roundhouse to the face everyone will know that you were whoop'd.
33. Chuck Norris once killed a bear with his bare hands. Then resurrected it just so he could keep fighting it. He did this 23 times straight without water, rest or food until the bear became nothing more than fur and splinters of bone.
34. alot of people think Chuck Norris was in Delta Force. in reality, he IS Delta Force, single handedly completing every covert opp, EVER! this is only kept quiet so the ruskies dont find out. if they tried to convince him to defect, he would likely roundhouse kick every single commie bastard in that frozen **** hole. the problem with that is the friction from his snake skin boots roundhousing through the air at such a high speed, for so long, would raise the ambiant temp by several degrees, eventualy melting the polar ice caps and, well, you know the rest.
35. Chuck Norris made the ultimate PSA, in which he roundhouse kicks a joint out of this kid's mouth while saying, "Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth."
36. After filming "Sidekicks", Chuck Norris round-house kicked Johnathan Brandis in the face. Brandis never lived this down and was the secret reason he commited suicide.
37. Chuck Norris single-handedly round-house kicked every dinosaur to death. Not some ***** ass meteor.
38. Chuck Norris eats meteors for breakfast and ****s diamonds for brunch
It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the worlds hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.
New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.
Chuck Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child - Vin Diesel.
Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.
Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.
Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.
A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at your grimly.
Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.
Chuck Norris once ejaculated solid gold into a river in India, bringing profit to the local villagers and causing him to be worshiped as a God.
Chuck Norris cant eat while standing upright.
In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.
In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesnt believe in Germany.
One drop of Chuck Norris sweat can cure you of anything, even death.
Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
The letters in Chuck Norris name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris has never been sick. Ever.
Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft landed in soil by tasting it.
Chuck Norriss heart beats once every full moon.
Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
Chuck Norris signed the Declaration Of Independence, The Bill Of Rights, and the Constitution while plundering a poor Asian village.
The movie "The Ring" is actually just a Chuck Norris biography.
Chuck Norris has no concept of time; if you go to his house you wont find a single clock. When you ask to leave because its getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris can believe its not butter.
Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.
Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas blindfolded, while having sex with 3 women.
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.
In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".
Chuck Norris doesnt need to swallow when eating food.
Chuck Norris can divide by Zero
Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he wont trade any of them for anything.
If Superman and the Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win: Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats Transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.
The milkshake doesnt bring Chuck Norris to the yard.
While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest **** known to man. That **** is now France.
The Pope once accused Chuck Norris of heresy, but as it turns out, Chuck Norris is, in fact, the true Son of God.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris was dropped at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
CNN was originally the Chuck Norris Network but was later changed to a news station because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris network kept blowing up satellites, TVs, and viewers eyeballs.
The evolution theory states that everything evolved from one living being. Chuck Norris is that living being.
Chuck Norris is where babies come from.
Chuck Norris has been in every porn video since 1985.
One day Chuck Norris was in fact killed when he round house kicked someone in the face so hard that it shattered the universe. But in heaven, Chuck challenged God to an arm wrestling match. Chuck won, and the universe was reformed.
While walking on water in the Pacific Ocean, Chuck Norris ran into his friend Katrina, and she tried to seduce him. Chuck was not pleased about this, so he round house kicked her into New Orleans.
Chuck Norris is the reason Jesus died.
Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.
On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over.
Everything tastes like chicken because its Chuck Norris favorite food.
Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own stepfather.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, dont be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris once had sex with a polar bear, with his orgasm he created the third ice-age, which is also known as the second coming of the robotic Vin Diesel.
Rumor has it that the semen from Chuck Norris six-foot wang can cure leukemia, especially in small children.
Chuck Norris consumes 87 cans of mayonnaise in a week.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris once boned the Mona Lisa, which is why she smiles.
Chuck Norris smells like Jesus Christ.
The first rule of Chuck Norris is you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the Blue Ringed Octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on Earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: Fever, Blurred Vision, Beard Rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalkers father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
Permanent ban
