Well, the Christmas season is again upon us, whether we like it or not. And I don't! So I have decided to annoy you all by penning this gripe thread about all the things Christmas.
First, the date. This is supposed to be, first and foremost, Jesus' birthday. It most certainly isn't! The Bible even says it cannot be. But I cannot go into detail because that would be religious and not allowed here. Let me just say that all evidence points to the real date being somewhere in late March through early April. Don't believe me? Go ask a shepherd.
Then there are the songs! Can't they even be logical? Take that damned little drummer boy! Ignoring the fact that beating a drum is one hell of a bad present for a newborn infant, why does he say that Jesus is poor? Nowhere in the Book does it say that Joseph and Mary, hence Jesus, were poor. Yes he was born in a stable and placed in a manger, but not because he was poor! It was because there was no room at the inn! You can blame Joseph for that. If he'd left earlier they'd have arrived before all the rooms were taken. Being poor had nothing to do with it. In modern times, he'd be born in the back seat of Joseph's car.
Next, the obvious commercialization, which gets worse every year. The fat guy in the red suit pushes every kind of expenditure there is, from simple toys [If there is such a thing as a simple toy any more] to luxury cars. Go out and buy your wife a new yacht for Christmas! She'll love you forever!
'Tis the season to be jolly. Deck the halls with hunks of holly. Pray we all it shall not end, as we go out to spend and spend!
Next, the colors: red and green. If there were ever clothing colors guaranteed to not flatter anyone, these are they! But everyone's dear old Aunt Fanny insists on kitting them a gaudy sweater or vest in just those colors. My Aunt Fanny, indeed!
And the damned red and green, not being content to bespoil our appearances, spread vigorously throughout the environs to further affront our eyes. There is no respite, no escape! We are all doomed!
Hell! At many a city intersection we are hard put to find the red and green traffic signals among all the red and green holiday lights!
Then there's the fat guy himself. "He sees you when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake." Do you really want some fat old man who lives with "elves" [and is indeed an elf himself—read the poem!] stalking your children night and day?
And what about this naughty and nice list? By whose authority does he judge your children and determine who gets a present and who doesn't? Bushwah! Give me the Easter Bunny any day. You want eggs? You got eggs, no problem!
Then there's the fat guy's moral character; it sucks! We won't even go into all the breaking and entering. That's pretty well established.
What frosts me is that he tolerates bullying, even participates in it, and only lets up when it's to his personal advantage. Don't believe me? Go watch the Rudolph TV special. Just because Rudolph is a little different—in appearance only, mind you, he was a very nice reindeer except for the nose—the other reindeer shunned him. Santa not only allowed this mean and miserable behavior, he participated in it, banning Rudolph from sleigh training, his birthright, with the other reindeer. That is, of course, until the weather was bad and none of the other reindeer could lead the sleigh. Then Rudolph was the reindeer of choice! But there was nary an apology for the at least months, probably years, of mistreatment. Oh no, Rudolph was expected to just ignore all that and take his place at the head of the team! Fortunately for Santa, Rudolph was a better man that he.
Saint Nicholas indeed! One hell of a saint he'd make!
That's why old Ebenezer was right. Christmas is a humbug: something intended to delude or deceive!
