My husband is driving me CRAZY!

I adore my husband and really appreciate his support and help with my photography. He supports and design’s my web page, and he has scheduled most of my photography jobs so far through friends of his through work. He takes care of our two boys whenever he can while I’m shooting just for fun, or when it’s more serious.

BUT even though I’m the one with the camera, I’m the one learning about ascetics, and technique, I’m the only one that knows how to use the camera beyond basic Auto, and I’m the photographer he’s always telling me what to do and how to do it.

For instance we’ll go out as a family with our two boys, I’ll have one and he’ll have the other. I’ll see something that catches my eye and I’ll pause a moment to capture it in my own unique style, 3 times out of 4 he’ll be calling me and telling me to hurry or I’ll miss some shot he’s got all planned out for me. It’s like a have a third child tugging at my coat, “mommy Mommy MOMMY!”

A week or so ago he took my camera to work, I really didn’t like this because I’m uncomfortable with him taking a bunch of pictures with it, plus if he used it he really doesn’t know how to clean it or take care of it, but there was a friend of his selling some old lenses. They weren’t very clear about the lenses, and I couldn’t get enough information, I wish she’d just read to me what it said on them, then we would have known…, they where for a steal so he insisted on taking it “so that he could make sure that they fit.” And they didn’t BTW. It made me sick, I’m not sure quite why.

So he takes my camera, and takes an extended lunch and shoots 100+ pics around his work. That doesn’t bother me too much, but what did bother me was that they where IDENTICLE to the shoot I’d done at the same place 3 or 4 months ago. Standing in the same places, framed up the same way etc… I’d just uploaded them and wanted to get a closer look at them, but I accidentally deleted the whole shoot. I HONESTLY accidentally deleted it (I’d changed from one storage program to another and it was about the third shoot I’d deleted on accident, only the others had been deleted BEFORE I formatted the card so they where easily retrieved), and I felt even worse about it because I felt like he’d copied me and I couldn’t even get a closer look to try to figure out if he was trying to one up my photo’s or if it was just in my head, not that he could, but the fact that he would try wasn’t sitting well with me.

I’m shooting an event in a month (the biggest one I’ve booked yet) that was scheduled through him, and his friend that I’m shooting and being paid by for capturing the event, has invited him and the boys to come along, I DON’T want them there! I know that they are invited guests, but my sons have a habit of creating disasters, and I don’t want to have to worry about chasing them down as they barrel towards the cake table and I’m trying to set up a shot. I don’t want my husband’s “direction” as if he should be the one behind the camera. And I really don’t need their distractions especially since this is more than a favor for a friend. She’s paying me to get it all right!

What do I do? How do I get the point across to my husband that this isn’t working for me without hurting him? It’s driving me crazy, I get so much help from him that I really do appreciate, but I can’t take any more of the nagging about getting pictures, and pressure to do things his way. I don’t know if I can just sit down with him and talk it over, every little detail of the website is getting fought over. He thinks we should do things one way, I’m feeling like it’s not very professional and won’t look right in the finished product, he thinks the same of my ideas.

BTW he has a p&s that he’s only used maybe 4 times since I got my DSLR, our 4 YO uses it more than him, so even though I’d love to hand him that camera so that he can get his shots I don’t think it would fly very well.

What do you think?

I think take a deep breath and relax

Seriously, I would relax about him using your gear or don't let him do it. Make it clear that this is a serious hobby verging on professional (if you are being paid). At this event make it clear that you are there a sa photog not as a mom and that he must be responsible for your boys, and not get in your way.

Get him a camera. Either a cheap dslr or one that looks like one (like the new range of Fuji ones). Then he can do whatever he wants with it. Sounds to me as though he's trying to compete with you at your own game. As soon as he gets a camera, takes a ton of shots with it and works out for himself that you're a lot better than he is, he'll accept it and find something else that he can be better at.

How about "Honey, this job is important and I really would love it if you do something really important and helpful for me!...Could you take the boys and keep them out of trouble during the event, so that I can concentrate on my work and deliver the best possible coverage for the client?"

"Sweetheart, I know you're not going to like this, but...
...I'm going to be working at the event. I won't be needing an assistant, but I do need a babysitter. While I am there, unless I get into trouble with something, I need you to ignore me as much as you would ignore any other event photographer. The boys will have to understand this as well. Because I'm getting paid for this, I can't have them interrupting my work.'

Either that, or I know a guy that knows a guy...

I agree with Wilt, just talk to him about it. Maybe it won't be as bad as you envision. I am sure he will understand.
I'd also buy him a camera of his own or get a better one than you have and give him yours. I think the website should be outsourced so not to create any friction.
Good luck!

As a husband I can honestly say that he is most likely just trying to take care of you. I find myself doing this frequently with my wife. I always fell like she needs protection and assistance even though she is a very smart and talented woman. I still don't want to let her down so sometimes I just get in the way. I have slowly been realizing that she doesn't always need my help and have tried to back away in those times when she has a handle on things. We have a great relationship where we are very honest with each other. If she came to me and said "Honey, give me some space, I can handle it" I would probably be upset at first but then realize that she can in fact "handle it". You need to tell him how you feel, otherwise it will continue and it will drive you crazy, possibly to the point of no return. That would be a shame.

Yes, you're going to have to get him to understand that while he and the boys are there as guests, you're working there. You can't be doing "guest" things lke looking after the boys. You're strictly there to photograph, and will be (trying to) ignoring the kids. If he doesn't agree to this up front, it isn't going to work.

Thanks everyone, it's nice to get some fellow photographer and male perspective on this one.

I do think he has talent as a photographer, and I do appreciate his input as a peer, but too much is just too much. I'll have to sit down and have a talk over all of it with him, and I'll make it CLEAR that he is a guest and I’m the hired photog for the event, that I’m not to be bothered, and that I will not be watching the kids at all, first because I don’t feel like I could give what I’m paid to do if I have to watch the kids too, and secondly because it wouldn’t be professional at all for me to be taking my kids if I’d have to worry about them at all.

Even though you say you can't be looking after the kids, would the mommy in you truly be able to ignore them?

I think you should emphasize to your husband and kids that declining their the invitation as guests is better in the long run so you don't even have them in the back of your mind or corner of your eye. I know how my own sister is as a mother and she can't let go...you know...a "mom" thing,

Worst case - see if he can bring along a baby-sitter to keep an eye on them. Note: he. You're strictly the photog.

I agree with the others about talking to him. Explaining that you are a professional and this is a JOB in the same way that he has a job. I'm sure it would be difficult for him if you and the kids were at his place of work. Perhaps finding a babysitter and leaving the kids at home for the day would be best. As a mom, I know if my kids were there I would not be able to totally concentrate.
As for the camera, get him his own. I'm not a professional, but I convinced my husband to get his own DSLR after I bought mine. I know from experience he would have considered my camera "ours" and I would have slowly lost control over it.

About the camera: explain to him that they are your tools and you need them available as well as fully operational and cannot let him use them. If something happens to your camera, you cannot fulfill your obligations as a photographer.

I think you need to be assertive ... and that doesn't mean getting mad. You sound resentful. He needs to stop competing and get his own interests.

I see you are in Texas, so just take your gun along with you and pull it out at propitious times.