Summary of my last year...

I must send my thanks to those of you who shared your emails with me.

Thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. HA HA

Thankyou

I only managed to get it to 100 people.

Awaiting the dove and camels - will there be celestial events?

::John:: wrote in post #4557431
Thankyou

I only managed to get it to 100 people.

Awaiting the dove and camels - will there be celestial events?

Arg...I'm such a geek....yes...there will be a celestial event this evening (Dec. 23rd)...

The moon and Mars will be quite close to each other this evening....

http://www.earthsky.or​g …ars-all-night-december-23

And, to stay in character of the thread....dont' forget that next summer, Mars will be as big as a beach ball in the night sky as it comes as close to the Earth as 5 parked tractor trailers!!

Tom D

I was hoping for some sort of constellation to the west.

20droger wrote in post #4553963
...............

Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. HA HA

I wasn't using my hand

20droger: sounds like it's been a tough year - I've heard of a doctor who can help; he's in Nigeria and is looking for North American patients........want his e-mail ?

kevin_c wrote in post #4557992
I wasn't using my hand

You must have one of those ADA foot-mice! I didn't realize you were handicapped!

Darsk47 wrote in post #4559585
20droger: sounds like it's been a tough year - I've heard of a doctor who can help; he's in Nigeria and is looking for North American patients........want his e-mail ?

I'm sure I already have it somewhere...

Thanks. Enjoyed the read and have seen most of those things. Still looking for the spider.