but the main and fill always seem too bight to me.
Besides what Rene said, why aren't you starting with the right exposure for the "MAIN" light & then modifying the others to work with it?
I don't know about you, but to change the lighting ratio on my strobes, all I have to do is to move a control slider. To do the same on a hot light (unless it's a very expensive model), I've got to change a bulb or move the light (which then changes the quality of the light) closer to or farther from the subject.
Well, that's your workflow & equipment. As for, "(which then changes the quality of the light)", I don't use soft boxes because of that 'problem'. Where the quality is critical, the lights go through a separate diffuser, or bounce off a surface like a white card, so the quality stays the same when I move the light to change the intensity.
Everyone has their own "best" method. It doesn't have to mean any one of them of wrong as long as you get the results you want?