Tough Love. You Up To The Task?

Parenting advice needed.

My youngest child is my 17 yr old h.s. senior. She is as close to the perfect child as you could wish for. That's why this is so hard.

An "A" student, going to the University of Washington in the fall, accepted into their pre-vet program.

The sweetest person you'd ever want to know with a bubbly personality.

(Star of the "hair" thread.)

Works in a large emergency animal hospital. A star employee.

So, two months ago she gets stopped for speeding and gets written up. While I was not happy about it, I did not rant and rave. I told her everybody makes mistakes and it better not happen again. I had her send in the ticket, plead not guilty, as these things are usually always plead down, hopefully to a nonmoving violation with no points. We are awaiting a date for that.

Tonight, I get a call from a local police officer, giving me courtesy. He pulled her over for doing 50 in a 35 on a local road. He said he was going to give her a break, but only because she's driving "my" car. In actuality, it's her brand new Honda Civic that she saved up for. I thanked him profusely.

She came home and this time I did rant and rave a bit. I told her she lost the car except for work. That she better get her butt up in time for the school bus or have a friend pick her up. I will probably take the car away for a month or so.

Is that too harsh, considering how good a kid she is?

Is that too lenient?

help.

me

Far be it from me to play Dr Phil but when it comes to wrangling 3K+ pounds worth of rubber and steel, the sooner you quash "Leadfoot-itis" the better.

The life you save may be hers and a few innocent people both inside and outside the car as well.

No problem with the month off here either, Mark.

50 in a 35 is more worrisome to me than 70 in a 55 would be (not that I'm in favor of either). When I think of all the places around me that are 35mph, and then think of someone hitting 50 in any of them, my first thought is how incredibly dangerous that could be.

Does she pay for her own car insurance, or is that something you foot the bill for? If you've got some way to demonstrate to her the $$$ cost of a ticket like that, it may help reinforce the message.

Stick to your guns! As a parent of three grown kids, I know the frustration but you must be consistent and fair or you'll lose respect.

If she paid for the car, and the car's title is in her name, then what right do you have to take such a thing away? I know you are her parent, but I know if I were your kid, I'd be up in arms about such a thing. Look to something alternative like perhaps a driving course for her. I mean, she is a model young person the way you put it.

Mark, as a parent of 4 children with the oldest of whom has just got her drivers licence (3 days ago) at aged 19, I can understand your feelings.

She is in the situation of having to pay for her own insurance, fuel, maintenance etc. Although, we purchased the car for her, she has worked and paid us back which is great.

However, she is also a bit inattentive and a bit of a lead foot, although, while undertaking her test (I had to be in the car with the testing officer), her driving was fine. How unusual!!

A couple of things, do you have any form of advanced driver training available to her? We have a system called "Defensive Driving" which is supposed to help but I feel that it tends to go in one ear & out the other. It can be used as a method to speed up the process of obtaining a full drivers licence. It depends upon the person as to weather its messages are taken on board or not.

Another method, which may or may not seem to be too extreme: If you have a report with the officer that rang you, see if you can get an opportunity for a drive around with some traffic orientated patrols that attend accident scenes or accident & emergency wards. Some people need that "first" accident to sort their own driving abilities out and hopefully, it is a minor one.

Just some thoughts, sometimes a short sharp shock is required.


Good Luck


Mark

MDJAK wrote in post #7186915
Parenting advice needed.

My youngest child is my 17 yr old h.s. senior. She is as close to the perfect child as you could wish for. That's why this is so hard.

An "A" student, going to the University of Washington in the fall, accepted into their pre-vet program.

The sweetest person you'd ever want to know with a bubbly personality.

(Star of the "hair" thread.)

Works in a large emergency animal hospital. A star employee.

So, two months ago she gets stopped for speeding and gets written up. While I was not happy about it, I did not rant and rave. I told her everybody makes mistakes and it better not happen again. I had her send in the ticket, plead not guilty, as these things are usually always plead down, hopefully to a nonmoving violation with no points. We are awaiting a date for that.

Tonight, I get a call from a local police officer, giving me courtesy. He pulled her over for doing 50 in a 35 on a local road. He said he was going to give her a break, but only because she's driving "my" car. In actuality, it's her brand new Honda Civic that she saved up for. I thanked him profusely.

She came home and this time I did rant and rave a bit. I told her she lost the car except for work. That she better get her butt up in time for the school bus or have a friend pick her up. I will probably take the car away for a month or so.

Is that too harsh, considering how good a kid she is?

Is that too lenient?

help.

me

I'll add another suggestion, but I do agree that some sort of discpiline for the two speeding incidents is deinitely warranted.

Please visit this site: http://www.streetsurvi​val.org/

This is a teen driving program that I've been involved with in my area and I can't say enough about it. It's focus is teaching teen drivers some better car control skills but also getting "into their heads" about the responsibilities and consequences of being in control of an automobile. It's a one-day course that is well worth the time and money spent.

I see on our schedules the closest one to you is in Loudon, NH in June. It's something to consider, giving her some positive skills and attitude reinforcement along with what you believe is the appropriate discipline for the situation.

I'd recommend this to anyone with a teen driver, it's really worth it.

Just remember Mark, it's for her safety that she needs to follow the speed limit.

Glliw wrote in post #7187390
If she paid for the car, and the car's title is in her name, then what right do you have to take such a thing away? I know you are her parent, but I know if I were your kid, I'd be up in arms about such a thing. Look to something alternative like perhaps a driving course for her. I mean, she is a model young person the way you put it.

I had to laugh at this. By any chance are you 17? Parents have every right to make sure their children live to see their future.

Glliw wrote in post #7187390
If she paid for the car, and the car's title is in her name, then what right do you have to take such a thing away? I know you are her parent, but I know if I were your kid, I'd be up in arms about such a thing. Look to something alternative like perhaps a driving course for her. I mean, she is a model young person the way you put it.

My house, my rules!!

Permagrin wrote in post #7187478
I had to laugh at this. By any chance are you 17? Parents have every right to make sure their children live to see their future.

Heh, 18 actually. I am not saying she shouldn't be punished for doing such, b ut its hardly a progressive punishment I think. I'd figure you should have her do some kind of manual labour...something that she loathes.

1 month. If she is good, obeys your rules and takes care of her business. Maybe give it back in 2 - 3 weeks?

You do the crime, you have to expect to do the time. A month seems pretty fair...especially in light of the second offense.

I think it is a fair punishment - speeding is no laughing matter.

OT: yesterday there was an accident here, caused by a young inexperienced driver. Two car head-on collision, four people dead and five injured.

Well I'm 15 and I really don't think that's bad a punishment, considering it's her second time speeding. Break habits early.

..What's with you people and such high age minimums for licenses? I can get my full license next month when I turn 16.

I had serious issues in the driving department prior to my 18 BD. Including stealing the family car (basically took it w/o permission) and a DUI that could have gotten someone seriously hurt or worse. 1 month is easy peasy.

Eventually after learning how to drive professionally (something not really available to me as a kid) I learned HOW speed can kill and exactly what skills are needed to survive to my just turned 48 BD, something many of my family didn't really expect of me.

Get her to a Bondurant style of defensive driving, where she can experience skid pad, emergency manuevers etc. They will show her the actual physics of driving, something sadly lacking in most courses. I took several classes in the ARMY at Ft. Bragg, tractor trailer, motorcycle, executive protection etc, all of them very worth while.

The alternative is to take her to the track with a pro driver and scare the sh*t out of her.

At 17 you really do think that you are invincible...

EDIT: In other words punishment is warrented, but improved skills will keep her alive - which is really the goal. Skip Barber is a real hoot, and I think you may want to go togeather... http://www.skipbarber.​com/default.aspx