Ok, first, what is right, I think you had the right idea for the shot type, and for the framing, but tweaking your lighting is going to be key here.
First off, shot 1: I seewhat you are trying to do (I think), I think you wanted harsher shadows and kind of a "moody" look, the problem with that sort of shot, is that the light must be right on. If that is what you were going for, I can give you some timps on that.
Shot 2: Better, but yes, too much flash. Try the same shot, but diffuse the flash, that may help.
Can you share your settings for these shots?
Lastley, the model: She looks great, the only thing I would be careful of is distracting factors. The competing colors in her outfit, and the thing in her hair, while interesting, draw your eye away from her eyes, which seem to be the intended focal point in shot 2.
So try some new things and lets see the results!
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