cbtoday - sounds like you are only using the "basic modes" Unfortunately there is very little way to control anything about the camera, including the flash, in these modes. Even the custom function setting Bob mentioned won't work, since custom functions are ignored in basic modes. You have no choice but to use the "no-flash" setting on the mode dial, or to start using the "creative modes": P, Av, Tv, and M.
In creative modes, the flash fires when you have it popped up, and it doesn't fire when it's down. It's your choice.
P.S. If you want to use the flash only for autofocus assist, but you want to suppress the actual flash, then you can pop it up and use the custom function Bob mentioned.